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Critics of the UK government are saying that Boris Johnson’s visit to Ukraine has been used as a political stunt to distract people from events unfolding in the UK. But Mr. Johnson insists that he didn’t realise there was a war going on in Ukraine at the time of his visit and only found out about it afterwards.


Mr. Johnson then changed his defence saying that although there was a war going on he hadn’t realised it was taking place in Ukraine. The PM then changed his defence again by insisting the war was not actually taking place in the areas that he visited and so he could not have known anything about it.


Critics later accepted Johnson’s defence by agreeing that he could not have known about the war in Ukraine after all. ‘To be fair….you only have to see him walking around the bomb site to know he new nothing about the war’ said The Guardian war correspondent…..’everybody else was wearing battle fatigues and camouflage equipment while he was mincing around in a Savile Row suit and a pair of Bruno Magli slip-ons.


'Nobody in their right mind would visit a bomb site dressed as though they were heading for a champagne dinner at The Savoy. Once again it is his advisors and backroom staff who are to blame. As ever, Johnson knew nothing about any wrong doing’.




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Boris Johnson recently visited Ukraine to determine its suitability as somewhere for Tory cabinet ministers and their spouses to be domiciled but obviously not to live.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'The Channel and Cayman Islands are a bit passé these days. For elite tax dodging, you've got to start hitting war zones. If you get caught, you disguise it as a photo op with a younger, more charismatic, more popular leader and donate them some weapons.'


'Alternatively you can throw a little shiny-suited strop and demand an inquiry into how your wife's dubious non-dom status leaked and keep the story of you as Scrooge McDuck alive for longer. Rishi can no longer get aroused unless he can see the raw desperation in the eyes of the proletariat. First he lowers his tax liability, then his trousers.'



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Russia has confirmed that President Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. 'Our President has worked tirelessly to stop the fighting in Ukraine over the last five weeks,' said a Tass news agency spokesman today. 'He has spoken with President Biden, President Macron, some tousle-haired weasel from the United Kingdom who tried to get him to invest in the Conservative Party - he didn't bite as he understood he owned it already - and the German Chancellor. They all agreed that President Zelenski was being 'argumentative' and 'mean' and really thought Putin was 'doing him in, for all the right reasons'.

The Nobel committee, based in Sweden, promised to look into the nomination 'as soon as our NATO membership is agreed.'




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