Johnson insistent that he needs to read War and Peace before acting on Ukraine

A No. 10 spokesbeing has told our reporter that far from inaction over the war in Ukraine, the Prime Minister is intent on studying War and Peace in order to discover the steps that need to be taken for how the war could become peace.

All four volumes are apparently awaiting collection from the Post office after a civil servant refused to accept them as they were addressed to the Prime Minister, a post the civil servant said was a figment of a twisted imagination.

When asked when the PM intends to start reading War and Peace, the aide said "I wouldn't hold your breath, he intends to start it immediately after he's finished A la recherche du temps perdu, a novel Rupert Murdoch told him he should read, but he's stuck on page 3 at the moment, wondering where the tits are.

Decision to stand and fight or seek safety same as trying to choose wallpaper patterns insists PM

Boris Johnson is reported to have said that he sympathises with Ukrainians torn between fighting the invading Russian army or seeking safety in a neighbouring country as he has had to face similar agonising decisions himself in recent days.

‘Fretting over which wallpaper to choose for the rooms at No10 cost the PM many sleepless nights', a concrned Johnson was alleged to have said. 'So I know from first hand experience how difficult it can be to make those important life changing decisions. But it brought Carrie and I even closer together…our Blitz spirit got us through those long sleepless nights of indecision and worry.'

'Choosing the wrong wallpaper is something we would all have to live with and I was not prepared to put my family through such an ordeal.'

'Living with the wrong wallpaper day after day is similar to risking your life in a war. I’m sure the Ukrainian people would agree with me on that.'

'Which is why we turned to Lulu for help….a bit like how Ukraine has turned to us for help with their current predicament.'

'Thanks to Brexit we were able to choose our own wallpaper and did not have to seek approval from EU overlords as we always had to in the past.', the PM is said to have concluded.

Image: Pixabay/Carola68

Government runs out of bad news to bury - or has it?

Covid brought the perfect cover for hiding bad news - at least until the cabinet office forgot to invite prominent journalists to BYOB parties during lockdown - or actually did invite them but forgot to add that the invitation to bring your own booze was an in-joke - of course the taxpayer would provide. Now, when partygate, Brexit screw ups and downright corruption were starting to touch the public consciousness the government has had the cover provided by Putin's invasion of Ukraine. at least one person of Prime Minister status will have mouthed, if not emailed, Vladimire Putin a big thank-you for that, it has been suggested.

However, when surveying the bunched up carpets with the bodies piled under and the crisis that seemed to pop up daily now well and truly obscured by the fog of war the Cabinet office is struggling to find new bodies to sweep under and almost certainly illegal events to be lied about. Unless you include a visit to kneel in front of a despot who relishes hanging and beheading dozens of people a day on charges that may or may not stand up to scrutiny in a real court to cover for not doing more to avoid having to pay Putin to fund his adventures in Ukraine while paying Ukrainians in weapons to stop the man you're paying for oil. By not doing more, read anything, actually.