The Russians were hating the sleet
And rations began to deplete
So goodbye to Kherson
Before it gets worsen
Just don’t call the thing a retreat
Our Ukrainian mission's complete
There's nothing left to eat
So we're going away In some disarray
Just don't call the thing a retreat
Retreating Russian troops have left behind an enormous wooden horse in the city of Kherson as a gesture of goodwill, it has emerged. Russian military sources confirmed that the giant wooden horse has been left as a gift to the Ukrainians as a reward for their superior fighting ability.
‘It looks like the Russians have left the city’ confirmed Ukrainian general Ivan Bondarenko.
‘At first we were very suspicious that their very public announcement of such an embarrassing retreat may have been some kind of Russki trap, but other than the wooden horse they’ve left behind in the centre of the city there’s no sign of them’.
Meanwhile, Russian leader Vladimir Putin has confirmed that due to the logistical difficulties with supplying the front line he decided to withdraw his troops from the city.
‘Sometimes you just have to admit when you’re beat’ Putin told Russian TV.
‘We’re definitely not up to anything sneaky or underhand, no way. We’ve just left behind a giant wooden horse because we thought Ukraine might like to keep it as a memento of their great victory in Kherson, we also left a bottle of Prosecco and a tin of Quality Streets. There’s nothing more to it than that’ continued Putin raising a pinkie finger to his lips.
However, locals in Kherson have warned advancing Ukrainian troops to be wary of a trap.
‘They’re definitely up to something’ says Kherson resident 88-year-old Anastasia Melnyk.
’ You can hear people talking loudly and singing Russian folk songs. Also every 5 minutes a trap door on the underside opens and you can see them taking a piss and throwing out empty bottles of Vodka’.
‘Apart from that it’s a pretty good plan’.
Suella Braverman has dramatically announced that with immediate effect any migrants entering Britain via small boats will be conscripted to fight in Ukraine, under her command.
The shock new policy is part of a joint taskforce between Volodymir Zelensky and the British Government, with Braverman actually taking up an on-the-ground role directing Operations in the war-torn country.
"We have been invaded, of this there is no doubt." explained a spokesman for the Ukraine President yesterday to reporters, "Under these circumstances our namby pamby Generals and Colonels, they don't understand the seriousness of the situation - we need a person who really feels the danger of intruders invading your country, and Ms. Braverman, from what we understand, is that person. We hear she will fight ruthlessly to repel anyone from our borders - men, women or children - to her it does not matter. This is the kind of leader we need." -
Instead of supplying their own army to do this, and the President did offer, the Home Office have said they will provide a fighting fit force, particularly adept in small-boat manouvers, ready to start straight away and were being flown out of an "unmarked" army base in Manston in the UK, immediately. "We had no idea you had this kind of force ready to roll" commented the spokesman, "We thought Manston was some kind of centre for desperate refugees, but Suella told us in fact this is an invasion training base and they are ready to go within 24 hours."
The details of the policy were revealed in an email from Ms Bravermans hotmail account to reporters last night. "This Conservative government has always been a compassionate and caring Government", it read, "and we commit not only to accept our refugees with open arms, but we will provide them with the skills and training they need to be a success in life. This new policy, which is a joint effort between us and Ukraine, with additional donations also being provided from the Wagner group, will help us deliver for Britain".
image from pixabay
