Russia sanctions to include the silent treatment and fat shaming

In the weepy small hours of the weekend, the peoples of the Russian Federation jammed bullying help lines with complaints of harassment by members of NATO. Moscow officials claimed that other nations had blanked them in class. blocked them on Facebook and called them spotty.

The Kremlin complained: ‘Someone had written on our pencil case that Putin smelt of BO and had not started his period yet. We’ve been accused of war crimes, but realty hurts, is being called a dork’. A spokesman for the National Bullying Helpline replied: ‘Yeah, but you were asking for it'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/vladvictoria-9785604/

Zorro enlists in Russian Army

Masked-man and 1960s vigilante hero Zorro has enlisted with the Russian army for the war in Ukraine.

"I spent my life fighting bad guys, but I've been out if work for some time, so I thought I'd give something different a try," said the nonagenarian who suffers from mild dementia, speaking to war reporters on the outskirts of Mariupol.

"There have been loads of hero movies since my US TV shows in the 60s, but only one Zorro movie remake, and it didn't turn into a franchise like I'd hoped with figurines and stuff, so I'd pretty much hung up my spurs and been forgotten about.

"But then I saw the Russian troops all carried a 'Z' on their tanks. 'The mark of Zorro'. It was like the bat-signal for me. I knew exactly what they were saying. They wanted my help and I came at a gallop.

"I don't know much about hypobaric or surface to air missiles. I'm more of a cold steel rapier kind a guy, but I reckon I'll have the Ukrainians rounded up quicker than a 30 minute episode and be ready to ride out of Kyiv with a damsel I free along the way, all before the credits roll."

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Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree

It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.

As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.

“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.

In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound

Image: Pixabay/mamir_k94