‘No room for you but your cats and dogs would be welcome’ Johnson tells refugees

Boris Johnson has told Ukranian refugees that, unfortunately there is no room for them here in the UK but their cats and dogs would be most welcome to come and stay.

The PM is alleged to have said that we are a nation of animal lovers and their pets would be loved and well looked after. And of course, they don’t need a visa or a sponsor. The animals could be vetted and processed within hours of arriving here in the UK and would find a new home within days.

A private charter flight is taxiing on the tarmac at Heathrow Airport waiting for the go-ahead from the main decision maker in No10. Boris Johnson is thought to have had some input behind the animal-rescue idea too.

‘Ukranian cats and dogs will no longer have to cower in underground car parks or run for their lives from Russian snipers. They will be safe here in the UK’ , the PM is thought to have said. 'There is no need for the Ukrainian people to thank us for our generosity….it is the least we can do.

'We are world-beaters at housing animals from war torn countries. No other country has done as much as the UK to help Ukranian animals flee the war. Ukrainians can sleep peacefully in their beds knowing their pets will be safe from Russian bombs here in the UK. For now at least.

'One day we might even be able to take in some actual pet owners. But you know how it is.

Paperwork, background checks, visa applications, processing etc…..

We would love to help Ukranian people find safety but as you can see, it’s just not that simple’.

Image: Pixabay/blende12

Thermos of tea and an understanding nod not enough for ungrateful Ukrainians

Priti Patel reacted angrily last night after accusations that Britain was not doing enough to help Ukrainian refugees.

‘Honestly, just because their entire country is being razed to the ground by a malignant, remorseless psychopath doesn’t mean they have the right to live a dignified life in a civilised country, or even Britain’

‘We’re doing everything within our power to help these people’, she explained, seemingly without irony, ‘we’ve already sent them six remaindered Millets sleeping bags plus the left over profiteroles from our last Downing Street work meeting, but still they want more.

I even offered some of them the chance for a photo-op with me in my Home Secretary puffa jacket when I was over there but for some reason they were more interested in finding food and shelter for their children and elderly relatives, the ungrateful bastards.

Listen, as the daughter of immigrants I understand entirely the position they are in. Which is why I think the only humane thing to do is let them freeze to death on the steps of a British consulate in the arse end of Poland.’

Despite this many Ukrainians are still planning to make the move to the UK. Asked why she was so keen, Julia, a refugee from Kharkiv explained ‘For me, Britain is the land of opportunity. If Gavin Williamson can earn himself a knighthood surely anyone can make it there.’

Image: Unsplash/Mitchell Orr

Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating

Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.

"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."

Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.

"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."

Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.

But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.

"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"

Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34