Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club bans Russian athletes

The Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club has become the latest organisation to ban Russian teams and athletes, as the world of sport continues to show support towards Ukraine.

Not wanting to be outdone by the likes of FIFA, UEFA and the International Olympic Committee, Fred Wooler, club secretary, treasurer, newsletter author, membership manager and interim tiddlywink polisher, has also told members that Russian teams can no longer take part.

Writing to the club’s 11 members, Mr Wooler notes that “Russian aggressive and nuclear threats leave me no choice but to take this drastic, diplomatic action”.

Speaking to press following the announcement, Mr Wooler admitted Russian had ever actually taken part or attempted to take part in any club events, although he warned that he could not guarantee it had not been infiltrated by Russia spies at the height of the Cold War.

“Old Tommy Masterton was always a bit suspect,” Mr Wooler said. “He only drank half pints and had spent time living in Portsmouth. So, this time around I am not going to be caught out.”

Mr Wooler said he was surprised by the delay in response from the Kremlin, as the club was “the third largest Tiddlywinks club in the Solent area”.

Image: Pixabay/mzmatuszewski0

UEFA hope to knobble Russia by taking GazProm sponsorship

An UEFA spokesman confirmed today that the organisation intended continuing its commercial association with Gazprom. 'Think about it - we're bleeding the Russian company dry with every football match we host worldwide - it's the most cunning thing we could think of. We did consider - very briefly - taking a moral stand, but given our reputation nobody would have believed it anyway,' he added.

In related news, NewsBiscuit has also confirmed it will attempt to bleed Russian sponsors dry, strangling the finances of the Russian commercial sector. 'Anyone who has invested a bean in NewsBiscuit will understand what a financial drain that is,' said a spokesperson. 'We're going to bleed Putin dry one satirical article at a time,' he said. A Kremlin spokesperson confirmed that President Putin was 'Quivering in his boots and insisted that NewsBiscuit withdraw from satire immediately' and threatened to surround the NewsBiscuit HQ with thousands of funny Russians 'if we can find any.'

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

Putin misses open-mike spot at the Moscow Chuckle Club

Vladimir Putin has failed to show up for his usual Friday night open-mike spot at the Moscow Chuckle Club, for the first time in 12 years.

The club's regular audience declared themselves 'very relieved' that the distractions of war prevented Putin from putting in his usual tight five minutes on stage.

"He always does the same routine," said one club member, "a story about a donkey from Omsk who gets shot at a checkpoint. It wasn't funny 12 years ago and it still isn't"

Putin sent Dimitri Medvedev to cover for him. Medvedev did a rousing version of "You Aren't My Sunshine" and a short military dance.

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu