Trump to invade Norway to get Peace Prize

With the talks between Putin and Trump in Alaska to shaft Ukraine looking unlikely President Trump has lamented the lost opportunity for him to win the Nobel Peace Prize, an award he believes should be his.  Consequently he has tasked Pete Hegseth to draw up plans to invade Norway to extract the Peace Prize for him, by force.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee has convened and is proposing a sixth Nobel prize to the existing five - Peace, Physics, Chemistry, Medicine and Literature - the Nobel Irony Prize.  'We could have awarded the literature prize for the Art of the Deal,' suggested a Nobel Committee spokesman, 'but given the way he is wrecking the US economy that would also translate into irony as well.'

Trump to tax Americans to the hilt to show Putin who is boss

With the deadline for Russia to finish the war in Ukraine rapidly whizzing past, Trump has doubled down on the Russian President. He has ordered that tariffs (long spelling for import taxes) to be applied 'doubly, bigly and nowly' against non-existent Russian imports into the United States, adding to the huge hike in tariffs set against India for oil sold by India to Russia, presumably as long the oil is sold via the United States. Which it isn't, but hey-ho.

'We'll increase tariffs to one thousand per cent against anyone who says I don't understand how tariffs work,' quoted a spokesperson for the President.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Bath-time Trump ensures world peace by starting nuclear stand-off with Russia

'Failed ex-president Medvedev is saying that all my demands to Russia to make peace with Ukraine are moving Russia and the US closer to war,' said President Donald Trump, speaking to reporters from a gold-plated bath in the White House.

'To pull the world back from the brink of Armageddon, I have activated a two-pronged plan which is guaranteed to calm everything down. Firstly, I have insulted Medvedev by calling him a failed president. That's guaranteed to put him in a friendlier mood.

'Secondly, to punish him for daring to say America and Russia are edging closer to war, I am sending two nuclear submarines to within missile range of Moscow,' Trump continued, illustrating his point to reporters with a clockwork hunter-killer submarine bath toy.

'Action stations!' he cried, plunging the sub into the briny depths of his bathtub and making siren noises. 'Dive! Dive! Dive!'

'People are saying this is the peace plan Jesus or Gandhi would have come up with,' said Trump, firing off a plastic pretend Tomahawk missile into the lavatory. 'That's if they'd wanted to look really tough to a bunch of ignorant, violent redneck supporters, like I do.'

Image: OpenClipart-Vectors - Pixabay