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Burnham to extend Northern Line to Falkland Islands

Writer: rogt
rogt
Sep 7

To underline the British government's 'unwavering' support for the Falkland Islands, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to extend the Northern Line to Port Stanley, the Islands' capital.


'Our support for the Islands is unwavering,' he told the House of Commons. 'And we believe an extension of the Northern Line will act as a symbolic umbilical cord for the people of the Islands making them feel more connected even if they are in Zone 8,337.'


The announcement comes as the Argentine president Javier Milei said the islands were 'historically and legally' Argentinian. 'And we have better wildlife. We have penguins. All you have are those poxy pigeons.'


An international platform and terminal called Las Malvinas (literally 'the bad wine') will be added to the existing Northern Line platform at Morden in southwest London. An adjustment will also be made to the announcements at the complicated Camden interchange in north London. It will now say: 'Your next Goose Green via Bank train will depart from platform 'dos'. Your Charing Cross service to Port Stanley will depart from platform 'tres'. Mind the trade gap.'


The journey is expected to take some 12 hours which, coincidentally, is the average waiting time for a High Barnet service.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive


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Met Police cut power to foil underground activity in London

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
May 14, 2025

"Having been made aware of hundreds of thousands of people in the capital involving themselves in suspicious underground activity," Superintendent Dirk Dimm-Witt of the Metropolitan Police told reporters, "we took the imaginative step of cutting electric power to this city-wide criminal network to interrupt their operations.


"Our intelligence - although I use that term very loosely - identified that these villains were using several different lines of profitable criminal endeavour, which they had codenamed the 'Jubilee Line', the 'Central Line' and so forth.


"It is only after I had received a series of calls from the Met Commissioner, the Mayor of London and the PM, calling me the biggest Dimm-Witt ever to wear the uniform, that the nature of my error gradually dawned on me - viz. that I had mixed up the terms 'London Underground' and 'London underworld' on account of my being so incurably thick.


"I apologise unreservedly to the masses of law-abiding citizens left sweltering on subterranean trains and platforms at rush hour.


"And I warn them that it would be a serious offence to march on New Scotland Yard with pitchforks and torches, demanding my severed head in revenge.


"And they'd be pushed to find me there, anyway," said Dimm-Witt, "since I'm being sent on gardening leave for the next few months, back at my home in Berkamsted."




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