Toff's shock as court ruling gives green light to cruising commoners

Sir Nigel Pithers, who lost his case to sue a cruise company for having "ordinary people" as passengers aboard one of its luxury liners, is in shock after the ruling now appears to green light the general public being allowed on cruise liners without first having to pass a basic etiquette test.

Speaking after the hearing, the fifty-two year-old claims cruising’s exclusivity has "now all but gone", citing as an example how he and wife Daphne had to "endure mixing with quasi-yobbos" during what he says was a "two week ordeal worse than hell".

He told reporters: ‘We began to have serious misgivings on the flight out to rendezvous with the vessel, when we could hear what sounded like northern accents coming from a few rows in front of us. But that was only the beginning.

On the first evening we went for a pre-dinner stroll on the promenade deck, but were immediately confronted with all sorts of rough types, cackling and drinking beer from bottles. There was even a party of obese men and their equally ghastly wives in singlets and Union Jack shorts.

‘When they spotted Daphne in her ball gown they called out "Ooh, look, It’s Lord and Lady Muck out for their stroll. Here, has he taken you up the poop deck yet, darling?" It was quite horrendous. We took to our suite for the remainder of the voyage and only came out for final disembarkation.’

Sir Nigel is considering an appeal but fears he's not got the courage to see it though, as it would inevitably mean having to leave his country estate and risk having to mix with the public at large once again.

Ship City Harbor - Free photo on Pixabay

British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’

Union Jack 'must fly outside every house in the UK'

As its inexorable skew to the Right intensifies at breakneck speed, news has emerged that, should he be returned as Prime Minister following the much-touted imminent general election, one of the first steps a new Boris Johnson administration will take will be to pass a law making it mandatory for the erection of a flagpole and Union Jack at every household across the land.

Details are sketchy at the moment but it's understood that each morning at sunrise, and then again at sunset, a new Government Broadcasting Corporation, formed to replace the BBC, will play a medley of The Dambusters March, Rule Britannia and Land of Hope and Glory through a newly constructed national network of street klaxons.

During the broadcast the householder and his or her family will conduct "a solemn and respectful ceremony to honour our most glorious Empire." Failure to comply will see the entire family rounded up and deported to one of six large internment camps to be constructed just outside Scunthorpe.

Billericay costermonger and staunch Brexit supporter, Barry Shite, a man with an IQ of less than 70 welcomes the move. 'This is facking great nooze and long overdue too, mate. It's about time we stood up and was counted.'

'We once ruled the world and we are going to rule it again. Here, pal... would you like a bendy banana before you go?'