Rail passengers announce strike dates

Long suffering rail passengers say that they have ‘no option’ but to go on strike, in protest at poor quality services, cancellations, rising ticket prices, chronic under-investment, dirty trains, and unbelievably hard baguettes from station kiosks.

'We can’t take this any more,' said a spokesman for the radical rail traveller lobby group PARSNIP. 'This stands for Passengers Against Rail Strikes – with the remaining letters to be figured out later. We are proposing a general strike and will picket rail stations to persuade other passengers that enough is enough and the current long standing nonsense has to stop.

'We have a radical programme of action to help our members to avoid railways altogether. We can provide car loans, bike rental, lifts, discounted running shoes and legally binding work-from-home contracts.

'We can also support the victims of rail travel with counselling, dietary advice, lost property tracking services and debt advice.

'Our radical vision is convert railway lines to express bus routes, to convert rail carriages into accommodation for the homeless, and to use railway stations for shops, to the extent that this hasn’t already happened. We will take direct action to achieve our aims and we will be gluing ourselves to things, chucking soup over stuff, and rustling our newspapers. So watch out!'

Striking rail workers still not sure how they're getting home

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‘I know you are - but what am I?’ Steve Barclay gets tough with unions

Furious unions have accused the Health Secretary of making farting noises with his armpits during negotiations, and of wiping bogies on the underside of his desk. Initial reports suggest Mr Barclay entered into negotiations with his arms and fists swinging in a windmill fashion while shouting ‘If you don’t get out of my way, it’s your fault!’

RCN leader Pat Cullen expressed frustration that Mr Barclay would only respond to her questions with the repeated phrase ‘your mum’. He hit back at unions, accusing their mums of being prozzies and their dads of buying their shoes at Poundland.

Talking to Jo Coburn on BBC Politics Live, Mr Barclay demonstrated his negotiating techniques with the help of a small He-Man figurine and a Barbie doll. As the toys violently clashed, he told viewers:

‘Boosh! Take that, union scum. Chiff-chiff-chiff. Doosh-doosh!!! You want a pay rise? Prepare to die. Boom. Aaaaagh. Chiff-chiff-chiff…’

He then simulated sex with the toys until his elderly mother came on set and clipped him around the ear.

Mr Barclay denies fidgeting and not paying attention.

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