How they persuaded Joe Biden to step down

Did they say...?

'If you stand down now, you can run for Pope as soon as Francis pegs out.'

'Wow, I can't believe it's 2028 already, those two terms sure went by like a flash.'

'What America needs right now is a woman of colour to end the Civil War and free the slaves.'

'If Kamala is president, then you can be Defense Secretary. Remember how you always said you'd like to kick the nuclear football round the White House lawn?'

'Sorry Joe, the job is now hereditary - you know, like the way the Brits do it. Time to make way for President Hunter Biden.'

'Damn, they've raised the minimum age for the presidency to 90. Just make sure you keep in shape for 2032, OK?'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump sues Kamala Harris for being younger than him

Donald Trump's campaign has filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission against Kamala Harris accusing her of being provocatively younger, blacker and with a better memory than the candidate he was expecting to battle.

'This is a thinly vailed attempt to make me look old, white and, what's that word?', said the complaint. 'What's more, she's never been pregnant. I've been pregnant so many times - everyone says so.'

Trump supporters have got behind the former president and pointed out that he is still taller than Ms Harris, although Ms Harris responded that Mr Trump was taller than her when he was lying down.

Picture credit: Wix AI

‘Dark Mark’ seen over Michigan

The Ministry of Magic has moved to reassure muggles in Michigan after the Dark Lord’s mark was seen hovering in the night sky.

Death Eaters flew in to Michigan to pay fealty to their master, though some failed to secure an audience.

'I am here, Master,' shouted Nigel ‘Wormtail’ Fromage at Trump’s hotel window before being bundled away by security.

Fromage is believed to be ‘regretting’ writing a column in the Telegraph about his position in the Trump hierarchy and his unique place in Western democracy. He is also rumoured to have googled ‘tattoo removal’ somewhat obsessively.

Image credit: Wix AI