Trump announces immediate cabinet reshuffle

Donald Trump, President elect of the United States, has made changes to his previously announced government office holders. Among the new key members of his cabinet are -

Overseas Aid - Genghis Khan.

Extreme Republican Khan becomes the first person of Asian origin to hold a post in US Government. Trump was quoted as saying, "I think Genghis can bring a whole new vision to how we collect aid from overseas. The guy's had a long time to plan this. Overseas countries like Mexico will be very keen to pay up once Mr Khan comes calling."

Defence - Ru Paul

"Let me tell you, isn't it said the best means of defence is offence, right? Well this, this, this, is it a guy?, sure as shit offends me. We're gonna let Mr Ru tell my pal Vladimir what's coming to him, with feathers on, if he doesn't toe the line. And there's another thing, right? How come we've got two guys. Vladimir and Vladimir, kicking off at each other? What is this, Cheech and Chong?"

Treasury - Scrooge McDuck

In this shock move, criticised by financial experts Simpson, Griffin and Smith, President Trump has taken the unprecedented step of appointing a cartoon character to senior office. "Well, the way I see it, and I'm usually very right about these things, right, is that this guy is literally swimming in money. So he knows how to make and keep a buck or two. And his name's McDuck, right, so he's obviously Scottish. And they are some very smart, very smart people. I myself am part Scottish as you could no doubt tell. I love the colour of that Irn Bru, as you can no doubt tell."

Justice - Randy Byczowski

This is the most unusual new appointment to the Trump government. Mr. Byczowski is currently serving a 7-10 year stretch in the Federal Correctional Institution at Leavenworth, Kansas.

'This one is for the people.' claimed President elect Trump. 'Now Randy is a very smart guy, as I am. And I recognised that thing in him. As soon as Randy's letter from Leavenworth arrived with me, I realised we need to re-examine our whole justice system inside out. And who better to lead that than a felon with a whole string of convictions and stuff to his name? None of these fancy lawyers and judges has got Randy's insight. And convictions. He knows justice - he's just never had any! So anybody out there who may be facing proceedings, challenges, lawsuits or impeachments, I can tell you, Justice Secretary Byczowski will deliver. I've personally assured my good friend Randy that he's got another 10-stretch coming up if he doesn't.'

Head of the CIA - Vladimir Putin

In keeping with his bold appointments, the President of Russia will now take charge of the USA's overseas counter-intelligence operations. 'He assures me that he already knows the CIA inside out, and they know a lot about him, so I figured the deal was as good as done,' said Mr Trump. While controversial, it appears no more so than appointing an alleged sex trafficker to run the Department of Justice.

Labour - Tony Soprano

'The guy's a New Yorker like I used to be, and he takes a direct approach to negotiating with workers, stopping all their sad whingeing about 'oh dear my billionaire boss has declared bankruptcy to avoid paying me my wages. Again.' commented the President. Pundits noted that, having already appointed a cartoon character to his cabinet, a second fictional Secretary of State is not surprising and, despite the Sopranos' reputation for dealing with labour relations using a baseball bat, will probably do less harm than any of the real people Mr Trump might have appointed. 

Environment - Sir James Ratcliffe

Few men have more pollution experience than Sir James. As head of the Environmental Protection Agency, he will end discrimination against the fossilized reptiles that have been repeatedly and unfairly blamed for so-called climate change . 'It wasn't the dinosaurs' fault that they died,' Sir James explained in a hastily arranged press conference. 'I will bring a swift end to the blame-dinosaurs-first cancel culture that the woke socialist wokists have inflicted on humanity.'

Transport - Edward John Smith

As captain of the Titanic, Mr. Smith brings a wealth of experience in navigating difficult transport issues. He will chart a new course in American transportation history, and will do so with icy determination. He will replace the rudderless policies of the Biden-Harris administration with plans guided by his unsinkable faith in the American spirit. 

This feature includes contributions from Tacitus and Sirlupus.

Picture credit: Wix

US billionaires to FINALLY get a break

America’s most oppressed minority – billionaires – have expressed relief that the current Commie hellscape is drawing to a close.

‘You wouldn’t believe how much tax I paid on my last moon base’, one billionaire told us. ‘I’m working night and day to put America on the map yet every gallon of space-grade rocket fuel carries more than a cent in tax. Doesn’t Biden WANT greatness?’

Donald Trump has promised to liberate America’s wealthy from the shackles of socialism. Private sex islands will now be tax-free, penis enlargement kits and fake tan dispensers will be provided from federal reserves and ‘people ownership’ will once more drive America’s industrial strength.

Presidential Hanger-On Elon Musk, and some other bloke nobody has heard of, will job share the role of making government more efficient by sacking all the people in it (except themselves). This will have the benefit of eliminating the Department of Education, which is kryptonite for billionaires. No date has been set for the book-burnings.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Editors note: Efficiency is improved if, for example, you can get more output from the same input, or the same output from reduced input. Sacking everyone, as referenced in the piece above, should certainly reduce input costs, but the effect on outputs might be harder to predict. Don't try to divide zero by zero, you'll upset the mathematicians. That's as far as we go on economics. If you want to know more, try WackyPedia.

Liberal US celebs compete to be most upset at Trump victory

A number of liberal celebrities from both coasts of the US have taken to social media to outdo each other in how upset they are about Trump’s victory in the presidential election.

'I spent this morning holding Frasquita, my Latinx maid from Puerto Mexico, and reassuring her she’s gonna get through this,' said one well known teen pop star. 'Though only from behind, so she could carry on cleaning the bathtub.'

'I just don’t understand it,' said a famous actor. 'How many times have I posted on social media that people who vote for Trump are just, like, total douchebags? And it still didn’t win them over.'

Another celeb, who is presumably an influencer since she doesn’t seem to do anything else, said that until she watched the election night coverage, she hadn’t even realised how many other states there are between LA and New York.

'Though I guess it does explain why it takes so long to fly over them.'

All the celebs then issued routine threats to leave the country they 'no longer recognise at the America we love'. A well known bookmaker quoted the odds of them actually doing this as slightly longer than the presidents’ faces on Mount Rushmore being transformed by wind erosion into the four main characters from Gossip Girl.

Image credit: "Slave Leia Photoshoot at Celebrations" by Digital_Rampage is licensed under CC BY 2.0. (cropped)