UK Palestine recognition explained

The United Kingdom is aiming to recognise a two state solution for Israel and Palestine unless Israel recognises a two state solution for Israel and Palestine, in which case the offer is off the table.

'Of course we'd love to support a two state solution, but if Israel want to do it we'll sit back and probably tut,' said a UK spokesperson today.  He added that if the US recognised a two state solution then the UK 'probably will, too, but not if Russia does, unless Russia and the US agree to both recognise a two state solution. In that case we might.  Or might not,' the spokesman said.

'Is that clear enough?' he asked.

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Maxwell offered immunity on condition she doesn't give evidence

In a plea deal thought to be the first of its kind, Ghislaine Maxwell has been offered immunity from prosecution on condition she doesn't turn states evidence and tell the justice department everything she knows.

"Sure, it's kind of unusual," admitted US Justice Secretary Tommy Fratboy, a recent appointment of President Trump. "It's more common to offer minor criminals immunity in return for their testimony against kingpins. It's in the public interest to catch the big fish, even if it means letting the little fish go.

"But in this case... er... look, the whole Epstein thing is such old news, why are people still obsessing about it? Seriously, there's so much going on that's more interesting. Have you seen the new season of the Kardashians? That Kylie Jenner sure is hot! And then there's sport - how 'bout dem Cowboys?"

He added that he'd certainly never been to Epstein's island himself, if Epstein even had an island, which he couldn't confirm because he'd certainly never been there.

However, other senior government officials consider it risky to release Maxwell even under conditions which amount to a super injunction.

"We've been talking to our colleagues in Britain, who say there's somewhere we can put her which guarantees she'll never be seen or heard from again."

Asked what it's called, the official said "Well, this might be a typo, but it says here it's called 'Mrs Brown's Boys'."

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31 July - International Chicken Day

US Democrats have declared July 31st 'International Chicken Day'. The day is already National Avocado Day and National Chilli Dog Day - so what's with the chicken?

Democrats are, of course, just trying to score political points. They expect July 31st to be the day that Donald Trump chickens out of imposing tariffs - again!

Donald has been threatening tariffs since forever. He's imposed a few, changed a few, lifted a few - a general tariff hokey-cokey in fact. But he keeps chickening out on imposing most tariffs, claiming that countries are super keen to agree trade deals. Yeah. Right.

Will the suggestion that Trump Always Chickens Out be correct again? Probably. The President is widely expected to give most nations another 20/40/50/90 days to do a deal. Because, so far, the USA has concluded no significant trade deals at all (sorry, Britain - not significant).

So we will probably all be celebrating on July 31st with avocados (not Mexican, obviously), chilli dogs...and another massive helping of chicken.

Picture credit: Wix AI