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US/China tariffs will soon be 1,000,054%

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Old Trumpy Trump, the Satsuma of Injustice himself, has declared tariffs on China to be 104% or 154% or 1054% or whatever, as long as it's slightly more than China responds with.


A White House statement denied that the tariff percentage numbers were calculated by dividing the number of shots that Trump actually takes to get round a golf course by the much lower number of shots he claims that he takes.


Trump has claimed that a disproportionate trade barrier is literally the worst thing the USA has ever done to Vietnam. He also maintains his pronunciation of 'China' is correct, and an Executive Order will make it mandatory in school text books, despite it being so obviously weird and wrong.



Image credit: Deep Dream Generator

US classification levels explained


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Top Secret

Includes details such as nuclear launch codes, identities of secret agents, design of fighter jets.


Storage: Cardboard boxes in a private bathroom should be okay


Transmission: Try not to send this information to random strangers. If you do – blame the random stranger for existing



Secret

Includes troop movement plans, strategic military objectives, encryption codes


Storage: Under the bed


Transmission: Facebook, but use a better password than 123456 this time, ok?



Confidential

Includes military protocols, the formula for Donald’s tanning agent and Stormy Daniels’ safeword.


Storage: Whatever


Transmission: Yadda yadda, who cares?




Second coming imminent says Washington


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With the received wisdom in US Bible states being that Jesus will not come on earth a second time until all Palestinians have been driven from the Holy Land, President Trump is said to be racking up the pressure on Arab countries to take in Millions of dispossessed Palestinian refugees.


According to White House watchers, Trump has set up a new company to handle the second coming and has obtained licences for the sale and resale of all Jesus themed memorabilia, with five factories, four in China and one in Vietnam , on standby to produce JC 4Trump T shirts, hats and giant foam hands. According to JD Vance, this gig could be bigger than Taylor Swift.


As yet another thank you. Trump has granted Elon Musk the hot dog and unleavened bread franchise for all events and gatherings.


Trump has ordered staff to have Air force one to be ready and fueled for takeoff as soon as the last Palestinian crosses the Egyptian border and has said he will put the aircraft at Jesus disposal for his entire stay.


A draft itinerary has Jesus arriving in Washington, perhaps staying a couple of nights with Trump and his family, maybe getting in a couple of rounds of Golf and generally chilling after what was in all probability a tiring decent from heaven . Exact arrangements can’t be put into place until White House staffs have has a chance to discuss everything with Jesus and his people.


Whilst the mood in the US is buoyant with church services being held up and down the country, not everyone is entirely happy. Some critics are pointing out that the last time Jesus was on earth, things didn’t exactly go smoothly. Many in the Israeli Cabinet are worried that Jesus might ask to see the books and with numerous cases of fraud being levelled at Netanyahu, things might turn nasty very quickly. Many Jews remember the stories of Jesus physically attacking money lenders in the temple and fear a repetition ,particularly if Jesus has been making his own wine again and has had a few too many. In response, many are saying the temple and money lender stories were purely a sop to keep the masses quiet and point to the fact that the catholic church, one of the richest institutions on earth are big Jesus fans, don’t see a problem and are ready to do a deal with Jesus for his cut.


Everyone has been warned, whatever happens, don’t mention the Crucifixion.


image from pixabay



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