Girl Guides to Introduce Vaping Badge

Girlguiding UK have announced the introduction of 72 new badges in line with modern children's interests and passions, with a notable inclusion being one for successfully using a vape pen.

'We needed to stay relevant,' said inclusion and marketing head Orla Brown. 'While the Rainbows and Brownies are still interested in nature and playing, by the time tweens and teens hit Guides, we needed a plan to prevent us from haemorrhaging members to the dreaded and non-specific hanging out.'

Members of the organisation's youth steering group were pleased to see it taking steps to evolve and remain relevant. 'I'm glad they ditched the happy slapping badge,' one told us, 'that thing was soooo cheugy. I got my badge for showing how to use a watermelon-breeze and a cola-ice at the same time to give something, that like, tastes really boujee.

'I can't wait to get to Rangers next year and get my Jailbait badge for looking old enough to get served vodka in an offy.'

Footnotes for anyone not in Gen-Z:

cheugy - out of date, trying too hard, not cool

boujee - up market, high-end

Picture credit: Wix AI

Vape company mascot “Mr Cuddles” denies claims of targeting children

With flavours like bubblegum, candyfloss and Baby Formula, the vape industry is being accused of aiming its products at impressionable underage adults. The bright blue furry spokesperson said, between panicked, clouded inhalations, that it was just a witch hunt, funded by the Big Ashtray Lobby.

They waved away the new promotional targeted advertisements with subjects such as “What is Barbies favourite vape flavour” and “Why Batman prefers the mysterious vapour cloud of a Vape Pen to Nicorette patches.”

Leaked documents from another leading vape producer have provided damning evidence such as:

• A proposal to MacDonalds for McNugget flavoured vapes available in Happy Meals

• Schematic drawings of an oversized vape pen PEZ dispenser

• An e-mail to Duplo about producing a “My First Vape” set

The government Health Minister said that children must not be subject to the peer pressure of trying vapes and if they want to look cool, nothing beats the smooth draw of a Marlboro Red.

Photo by Nery Zarate on Unsplash

Concerns raised about the increasing use of vapes by children