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99% of UK covered in nail bars



This comes off the back of the announcement that Wilkos will be replaced by a nail bar/vape shop conglomerate. Signalling the end of the High Street as we know it, we are entering a phase where we will all obsess over hard gel and smell like candy floss.


The Bank of England has long warned of high interest rates and a pathogical desire for fibreglass nail extensions. Said one CEO: 'In late stage capitalism, everyone will have twelve inch nails and a complete inability to touch type.


'Our economy may be in the sh$t but we can all peel a grapefruit in under five seconds.'


Fruity Vapes are part of your 5 a day



Scientists have discovered that flavoured vapes are just as healthy as low-calorie cigarettes. In fact, they boasted: 'You'll get plenty of vitamin C standing out in the sunshine vaping. Plus the coloured plastic casing can be eaten as a flavoursome pudding.'


Vapes are being marketed as a healthy alternative to arsenic, with all of the nutrients you can get from crystal meth. 'It's like a protein shake, if you replaced the word protein with nicotine.


'We would go as far to say that an hour of vaping is much tastier than injecting heroin into your eyeball. Plus, Fruity Vapes makes an excellent stripper name.'




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