Only the Lib Dems can win here

Lib Dem campaigners have descended on the Vatican with their familiar orange placards. ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here,’ warn the activists, wiggling their placards in a mildly threatening, yet inclusive, way.

The statistics are convincing. Based on a re-analysis of general elections in the UK since WW2, alongside a re-imagining of local government and mayoral elections since 1966, and a highly defensible and academically rigorous translation of those results onto past papal elections, it is abundantly clear that only the Lib Dems can win.

A spokesman told us, ‘Only the Lib Dems can beat the right-wing traditionalist candidates to be Pope. And only the Lib Dems can beat the left-wing modernising namby-pamby candidates to be Pope. If elected, we will change the papal colours from purple to orange, as it’s more sustainable. Make sure you are in Saint Peter’s Square at 2pm today – Ed Davey is doing a truly hilarious stunt.’

When questioned, the spokesman seemed unclear who the Lib Dem candidate was, but did forcefully reiterate that ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here’.

Image: WixAI

POTUS to Pope(US)

Following his statement regarding the death of Pope Francis, Donald Trump has thrown his baseball cap into the ring in an attempt to be elected the new Pope.

'I have plans - great plans – they're the best plans really. I have the best plans. I wanna make Christianity great again' The orange President explained 'Jesus did great but he could've done better. He should've tried harder. I'm gonna do it properly. First of all, Catholics is a huge religion. It's huge – massive. Did you know that? Did you know? I didn't know that. Well I did but I didn't. The Vatican City should be the Vatican State! So my first order of business – and I've already pre-empted my election success and signed the executive order to make it happen – it's gonna happen. Is to make the Vatican City, the Vatican State! Specifically the 52nd State of America, following Canada as 51.

And then I'm going to speak with the Italian Prime Minister Ms Melony – a great lady. Isn't she great? A great leader, and a great fruit. If you eat fruit, which I do not. Unless it's on Pizza. Apparently if you eat too much they can really loosen your bowels – did you know that? Yeah, apparently too much fruit – I don't eat fruit but apparently that's what they say. That's what they say.

So I'll speak to Ms Melons about expanding the Vatican State to include all of Italy. I'm sure we can come to an arrangement – she won't say no – she loves me.'

The President continued for some time, listing how he intends to 'Make Christianity great again' and listing his qualifications for the job of Pope.

'I'm very good at waving to people from the balcony and wearing hats. I also live in a large white building – I'm the most experienced person on the planet for this job. If I were a betting man – which I am, I'd totally bet on myself. Which I have. The whole of the US economy. I also have one up on Jesus because I'm already onto my second coming – I'm totally perfect to be the new boss of all the Catholics! So come on, release your beautiful white plumes of smoke and rejoice! A vote for me is a vote for Donald Jesus Trump!'

Image: GregReese - Pixabay

Complete 'Pope Lying in State' DVD box set to be released next month

It has been confirmed that a complete boxset of Pope Francis's 72 hours lying in state will be released on DVD next month.

Vatican City has announced it has partnered with BBC Home Entertainment to release the 18-disc set in order to not only provide comfort to the millions of Catholics who were unable to make the trip to St Peter's Basilica, but also top hopefully help non-believers to understand the importance of this auspicious occasion.

'The box set will of course come complete with special features.' said a spokesman 'We'll have a multi-angle viewing to allow viewers to actually experience the mind-numbing boredom of standing in the queue for hours as well as a full commentary from Archbishop Besungu and Cardinal Endo. Those names alone should be enough to make the discs fly off the shelves."

This set comes just two-and-a-half years after the BBC released their highly-successful and award-winning 'Queen Elizabeth II Lying in State' set, and will also be available on Blu-Ray and 4K. A release date for the soundtrack has yet to be confirmed.

Image: Security - Pixabay