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Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet


Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again.


Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose.


‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our table and erects a makeshift screen around it using a few tablecloths.


‘We hear a bit of puffing and panting, then to everyone’s amazement a bleating sound. Next thing we see is the chap emerging from behind the screen carrying this beautiful fluffy lamb.’


Restaurant Proprietor, Gyles Pettigrew, told reporters. ‘It was amazing and publicity has done us no harm.'


When asked how the lamb was doing after the ordeal, Pettigrew added: 'Oh, the little fellow is just fine. He’s out the back in the freezer preparing to guest star in Wednesday's Gourmet Evening.'




First published 29 May 2023


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Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that potentially could discharge a particle detectable by a Geiger counter that would be set up to break the flask, killing the cat.  As the release of the particle was random and undetectable outside the box it would be impossible to know if the cat was alive or dead unless you opened the box, with the suggestion that until that point in time the cat was both alive and dead. However...


Surrey scientist Bill Redmonds and his drinking buddy, history lecturer Alan Fountain, who holds regular history debriefs in the local Wetherspoons have debunked the story.


'First of all,' said Bill today, 'have you ever tried to get a cat into a f@cking box?  Just a box, never mind one rammed with fragile flasks of poison and a 1930s Geiger counter, which would be about the size of 32 inch TV back then.  The flask would be shattered in the first two seconds killing the cat and Schrodinger.  In fact, scratch that, the cat would be out of the room before anyone realised the flask was broken,' he added.  'Even if you got the cat in the box, with or without the flask, Geiger counter etc, etc, you would be in no doubt if the cat was alive or not.  The bloody box would be bouncing around the room, unless the cat was dead.  Thought experiment, my arse,' he said.


'But,' said Alan, holding up a handful of letters, 'his neighbours had cats, either side, and he was forever sending letters complaining that their cats were sh!tting on his lawn.  Then he proposes his "thought experiment" and the letters stopped.  I bet he didn't have to worry about cat sh!t either from that point on and I for one would think twice about getting a replacement cat.


Scientists have refined the theory in the light of this revelation.  Imagine you have a lawn and your neighbour has a bloody feral cat.  If there is sh!t on the lawn is the cat alive or dead?  If I've got anything to do with it...


image from pixabay


Reform UK candidates stand down over vetting process



A number of Reform UK candidates have resigned their candidature after being told to attend the PDSA for vetting.


“I thought the vetting appointment I had been booked in for was merely to check I’m a racist,” said Arthur Brain, who until recently was a candidate for Vodka-under Lyme, “But they told me to drop my trousers and said I’d be so much happier without having to trip over bleedin’ kids.”


A spokescastrationist for the PDSA said “Although we’re a charity known for caring for sick animals, the last 14 years of government led to a reduction in donations, so in working out how we could survive, a receptionist pointed out that humans are technically animals too; and some politicians are obviously as sick as a bagful of sick. So when Nigel Farage said all Reform candidates would be vetted, we offered to do the job on the cheap and he said "Ooh! You're talking my language” at the mention of cheap."


Newsbiscuit asked Professor M Odelmaker if what the PDSA was offering amounted to eugenics and his reply was “Who gives a f*ck if it helps reduce the increasing number of dickheads in society, for the long-term?”


image from pixabay

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