- Lockjaw
- 4 days ago
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'Quite honestly, we don't know what the furore is all about,' said a spokesman for the government agency.
'People, usually politicians but sometimes the offspring of KGB officers, are nominated for vetting all the time. They always fail, it's always ignored,' he said, pointing out that practically every Conservative politician promoted to a sensitive role in the last fourteen years of Conservative government had an impression of being a 'tax dodging, law breaking, corrupt piece of sh!t. And that was the good ones, there was also Johnson, Jenrick and Zahawi who collectively bent the concept of being incorruptible to face the opposite direction, he added.
'To be honest, if we ever passed anyone, we'd assume they were a Russian plant, so would fail them too'.
'Yes,' sighed a previously quite enthusiastic Foreign Office press nerd, 'it is true that Peter Mandelson failed vetting. But there is a bit more to it than that.'
'The vetting computer is in a locked room and is not connected to the internet. It runs on Windows 3.1 and an old database called, ironically Paradox, which was very popular for about 3 weeks in the nineties. We have to boot the computer using seven old-style floppy disks, and it takes ages. We keep asking for a new computer, but they always say that the money is needed for someone else.
'Anyway, Mandelson failed vetting on the first attempt and the reason given was No Valid Parameter for Subroutine checkifdodgy. We get that error message quite a lot, and standard operating procedure is to switch it all off, give it a kick, and turn it all back on again. So that's what we did. And when we ran the vetting programme again, thirty minutes later, Mandelson passed.
'So that's all you need to know. Mandelson failed vetting. Mandelson passed vetting. They're both true. So the logical consequence is that the PM should both resign and remain. Then everyone will be happy.
'Won't they?'
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