Angry father calls in Neighbourhood Watch to protect kitchen

An enraged father, Don, who has had quite enough unauthorised 'foreign muck' being ordered by his family for tea, has insisted that the local Neighbourhood Watch help defend his kitchen.

"There's a tide of it. Every night you get Olivia or Imogen on the text to these blokes with sneaky electric bikes. Next thing, under cover, they're delivering Indian, Chinese, Thai ... bloody Thai! ..., Greek food to our perfect English kitchen.

"These two daughters are just letting the flood of immigrant stuff pour in. Without them there'd be no demand for it. We don't need it and we don't want it. And it's a major cost to this household - it's all being charged to my card. My lovely English wife is more than capable of feeding us all with proper food, bought locally at the nearest Lidl.

"If I can get a few of the Neighbourhood Watch lads - or battalion, as we call ourselves - to intercept these ebike pirates at the proud border of the kitchen, or back door, we can just turf them out on their ears.

When asked if this local-only policy would extend to other rooms, Don replied, "What? With all the World Cup qualifiers coming up on my 69" TV in the living room? I need somewhere to drink my Stella, don't I?"

Image: grainlatte - Pixabay

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'Community Snipers' to be deployed against litterbugs

Keir Starmer has declared war on littering. His first salvo is an announcement that vehicles involved in fly-tipping would be crushed – occupied or not.

'Up to them, innit', he told reporters before taking a drag on his Marlboro. 'Best be quick though, them electromagnets can lift a jam about eighty feet in the air faster than you can shit yerself'.

Other measures against litterers include 'community snipers', paid on a bounty basis.

'Stands to reason dunnit', said the Prime Minister. 'We can use special forces or make it a genuine community affair and train little old ladies. Maybe get a brass band along, organise a Summer Fete, Morris dancers, that sort of thing. As long as the scumbags get the message, I don't care who pulls the f*cking trigger'.

When asked whether he was consciously trying to toughen up his image to stave off the threat from Reform, Starmer reacted angrily.

'Listen you slaag, we've tried playing nicely and the streets are full of shit. What do you want me to do, send 'em to Bruges first? Look at the swans and the canals? If that was me, if I'd dropped a used coke can in the street I'd top myself, on the spot. Crushing's too good for 'em'.

Community groups have expressed some reservations about the policy. The National Trust have pointed out that 'corpses are litter, too', the British Brass Band Association flat refuse to work with Morris dancers after that fiasco in Coventry and the Women's Institute have asked where they can sign up for training.

Image: WixAI