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The 1981 classic has been re-mastered for a contemporary audience, with a full on sensory experience of a riveting two-hour conversation at Café des Artistes. Complete with violent chair tilts every time Wally quietly explains the nature of modest humanism and seat rumbles whenever he sips his wine.


Said one exhausted viewer, ‘It was intense. What started as gentle discussion about experimental theatre, soon erupted with strobe lights and water sprays during moments of existential clarity. And when Andre reflected on spiritual awakening in the Polish forest—the 4DX machine blasted pine scent directly into my sinuses. Although the mysterious incense smelt suspiciously like a Glade plug in.


‘I was continuously hit with jets of garlic butter. Even when there was a quiet lull in conversation — the 4DX chair decided this was the perfect moment for a seismic earthquake simulation. I particularly like the heightened realism at the end of the meal—when I was stiffed with the bill.’



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'Here's to ABBsent friends!', the audience were heard to be chanting opening concert by the 70s singing quartet who...er...weren't actually there but will still be winners by taking it all financially.


The singers' failure to be present in person, but just as ABBAtars rather than ABBA stars, is being described as an ABBeration.




First published 28 May 2022


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Alongside their new virtual reality headsets, Apple has also launched a revolutionary 'actual reality headset'.


Early adopter Karl Aid enthused 'The batteries last for ever, they weigh nothing and when you're wearing them it's like looking at the real world, because you are.'


Some commentators have criticised the $3,500 price tag for what appears to be - and is - an empty box. An Apple spokesman explained the pricing; 'You're not just paying for the technology, you're also paying for the classic Apple design and the fact that the headset is made from the finest thin air from workers - who are definitely not slaves - in Zhengzhou.'


Apple will also stop their auto correct from auto-correcting rude words, although texting 'Jeremy Hunt' will now auto-correct appropriately. One tedious shin said 'Swearing isn't big or clever, but Apple are total can'ts. Total ducking bankers.'


H/T: stewartbarclay

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