London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.

'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.

'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'

image from pixabay

Russian Government denies involvement in the Opal Fruits/Starburst name change

A spokesman for Vladimir Putin has categorically refuted the claim that it was Russian interference which resulted in Opal Fruits changing their name to Starburst in 1998. Despite evidence uncovered by UN investigators and the CIA, the bare-chested, horse-riding, journalist-culling, yet democratically-elected dictator denies any State involvement.

"Russia has always denied being involved in this tragedy" our reporter was told. "It is more western propaganda designed to make the Russian State look bad, and believe me, we don't need any help on that front."

Western researchers have discovered that two KGB agents were operating in Slough in the late '90s, disguised as tourists. The men involved claim they were just tourists and proved this by showing photographs of them outside the Queensmere Observatory Shopping Centre, the Slough Ice Arena and admiring the tower of the historic St Ethelbert’s Church.

This is not the first time a foreign power has been accused of such underhand dealings. The Israeli government still denies any MOSSAD involvement in Marathon becoming Snickers in 1990.