Trump says Europeans can join Ukraine peace talks - and serve the coffee

At a White House press conference this morning President Trump revealed European countries could be involved in the Ukraine peace talks.

'Vladimir and I think it would be nice to have them there,' said Trump. 'Really nice, so nice. There will be difficult moments in the negotiations and it is then we will all need to break for coffee. Hopefully the Italians are there. Their coffee is great, especially with those free little biscuits, I always take a big handful of those.'

He went on to say, 'European input into the negotiations will be important, everyone there will want a croissant to begin with, can’t start on an empty stomach. The French understand that. Yes, we’ll have the Europeans here as long as they can quietly serve everyone without getting in the way, and I’d love it if they could wear white gloves too. Very smart. I get the staff in Mar-a-Lago to use those too, you know, especially when handling classified documents.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Zelenskyy and Putin to find Totty for Trump

Fears are growing amongst friends and family of America’s First Lady Melania Trump ,nee Knauss,that the president intends filing for divorce and is actively seeking a fourth wife.

Rumours yet to be confirmed or denied by White House staffers are saying Trump is insisting that a new Ukrainian or Russian wife for him must be part of any American solution for peace in Ukraine.

His three stipulations are as usual, she must be young, pretty and have a lower command of English then he has.

Despite sacking Melania’s English teacher early in their marriage ,Trump has become more and more aware that his wife’s vocabulary far exceeds his own and that on the few occasions he allows her to speak in public, he and his MAGA followers struggle to understand her.

Trump’s second wife Marla Maples, after his failed marriage to Ivana Zeinickova, was in fact American. An actress and TV presenter. She later described being married to Trump as like living with a Twelve year old with a speech impediment and likened him to an excitable Red Setter,constantly looking for praise and attention. She wrote, if I told him he was a good boy he would jump on his bed, playing with his Golf balls and trying to lick his own nuts.

According to FBI files, Trump is no stranger to mail order brides and that he is in fact, Donny (,could have been a professional golfer) ,from Florida ,that has been banned from numerous Thai Mail order sites. With his IP address traced to the Mar-a-Lago area, Trump is alleged to have inundated hundreds of Thai women with unsolicited Dick Pics and a promise of the Best Marriage, the best marriage in history.

With his recent criminal convictions ,accusations of rape, sexual assault and flings with Porn stars, Trump is not worried about any adverse public reaction should he dump Melania and bring in an immigrant, as Trump has said many times, my supporters make up excuses for me.

Image: Pixabay/TheDigitalArtist

Starmer furious the other boys won't let him play soldier

Peace talks between Putin and Trump look set to go ahead without Field Marshall Starmer, meaning that UK will miss out on a gold opportunity to get shot at.

The PM is said to be incandescent with rage, that his forever war has barely outlasted Rachel Reeves credibility. Instead of a glorious campaign of photo opportunities, Starmer is left having a defense meeting with the French - which an oxymoron.

He has still proposed to increase defense budgets by cutting back on welfare spending – by sending everyone in a wheelchair to the Ukrainian frontline. The PM had been banking on the popularity a war would give him, and the chance to win the Lord Kitchener lookalike competition.

Sir Keir is a real life Action Man, and small enough to wear the toy uniform. Sadly, he will never get to wear is stick-on medals, cocked hat and replica musket – it will all stay in his dressing up box, alongside his pretend socialist hat.

Image: Pixabay/red_koral_ph