Welsh football fans bracing for 'peak patronisation'

Welsh football fans say they are at risk from being overwhelmed by a tidal wave of patronising English coverage of their first men's football World Cup finals campaign since Tom Jones was a boyo.

One Ingurland fan lit a firework inappropriately before noting 'My favourite other UK home nations team to support is the Republic of Ireland. Somehow I also feel comfortable doing the accent. To be sure, begorra. Or is that Northern Ireland? Are they the same? When Ingurland play in Belfast, using British national anthem is totally fine.'

'Anyway after Ingurland have easily won our World Cup - beating the Krauts and/or the Argies 9-0 along the way - we will set free any migrant workers in Qatar still alive, so that we can be furious at the same people when they try to cross the Channel in a dinghy.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/terimakasih0-624267/

Ukraine 'frustrated' by failure to retake area the size of Wales

Although generally buoyed by retaking an area believed to be the area of Hampshire, that is, over 3000 square kilometres, President Zelenski is dismayed they are nowhere near the gold standard of square areas.

A spokesman said that 'although the troops have done well, by being compared to the footprint of Hampshire they are being ridiculed back home. Everyone knows you need to retake an area close to the size of Wales, about 21000 square kilometres, for anyone to have any sense of achievement.'

image from pixabay

Metrology Crisis As Size Of Wales Increases

The current wave of searing heat blazing its way across the United Kingdom is creating acute difficulties for all those involved in the science and practice of precise measurement, from anxious scientists and surveyors to exhausted, scoop-wielding ice cream vendors as they dream of the luxury yachts they will buy with the season's takings.

With wooden rulers catching fire and steel tapes melting, increasing reliance is once again having to be placed on more permanent, geographical units, and particularly on internationally recognised standards such as the area of that principality sticking out of the left-hand side of Britain, about half-way up.

So how much has the size of Wales increased in recent days? 'By an area almost as great as the size of Anglesey' explained Professor Jones from the University of Bagwyllydiart. 'Unfortunately, this is complicated by the fact that Anglesey itself, of course, has also expanded. So the expansion is exponential.'

'But we're keeping that quiet because of all those numerically illiterate people who think 'exponential' necessarily means a rapid growth and that Wales is therefore on its way to enveloping the entire planet, covering it, drystone wall-to-drystone wall, in sheep and male voice choirs. A snail's shell, for example, grows 'exponentially' but we're not in any immediate danger of being crushed by an avalanche of giant killer snails slithering relentlessly across the land.'

'So how much has the size of Anglesey increased, you ask. Easy! By an amount, almost the size of Holy Island. Er, except that that, too, has expanded - by more than the size of South Stack.'

Welsh Flag Pennant - Free photo on Pixabay