Korean balloon war reaches new heights

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Tories to bring back rationing

The Tories announced today that, if re-elected, they would bring back rationing.

”It’s not that the country’s particularly short of food, though we’re working on that too,” said an unnamed cabinet minister today. “We just feel there’s not enough hardship these days. People have become too complacent, assuming they can just help themselves to as much as they like from the supermarket, or rather food bank.”

The move is part of a grand strategy of returning to wartime conditions, which will include the reintroduction of national service, Radio 4 to go back to being called the Home Service with all announcers wearing dinner jackets, “and nothing but the Andrews Sisters and Glenn Miller to be played on… what’s that new music station called? Oh yes, Radio 3.

“We may even require people to spend the night in the nearest bomb shelter whenever a siren sounds. Of course, there won’t actually be bombs… unless of course we find the public aren’t doing as they’re told, in which case all bets are off.

“I know it sounds bizarre, but most Tory voters remember the war as a wonderful time in their lives. This is probably our last chance to get a vote out of most of them before we have to bite the bullet and modernise our policies. I might even have to drop my opposition to decimalisation.”

Hearing of the proposed changes, the BBC announced that from now on it would broadcast the Tory conference with a warning that it “may contain language which, although authentic to the period, modern viewers may find offensive”.

image from pixabay

Germany planning a sneaky WWIII – top bantz!

A leaked audio of German generals planning an attack on Russian soil, has caused a wave of nostalgia and panic throughout Europe. Anderson Shelters have popped up across the landscape and stockpiles of canned spam are now at an all-time low. Said one veteran: 'We've only just got over the last World War. Peace in our lifetime? We've barely had peace in our lunchtime.'

Russia is naturally reluctant for a rematch, partly because of the millions of casualties but mainly because their fear they cannot squeeze into their old uniforms. Also, there are some concerns as to who gets to be the baddies this time – as everyone thought it would be America. 

Germany was bullish about the diplomatic crisis: ‘It was just a giggle, a bit of banter. Yes, we said we'd launch missiles at Russia - but it’s such a big place, who'd notice? Besides, it would only be a small World War and, as they say, third time lucky.'

image from pixabay