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No future for Surfers For Sewage


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The Surfers For Sewage group is to wind up, citing difficulties in signing up new members and in organising group activities.


The group is widely suspected of being entirely funded by water companies, who are desperate to put a positive spin on sea water polluted by human and animal excrement.


Membership of Surfers For Sewage peaked at around eighty, with many of these thought to be water company staff who thought they were going on an awayday. Group events included surfing the best of the white waters and the brown waters in Cornwall. However, gastroenteritis took its toll and membership has now fallen to four, all of whom are salaried members of the board.


Colin ‘Curly’ Brown, the membership secretary, admits that the group had a difficult task. 'It's a difficult job to promote sewage. We are undeterred, but when we faced a motion to wind up we knew that we were a busted flush. We did some good things, but now it's all down the pan.


‘Our Brown Flag initiative was a lot less successful than we'd hoped. And sales of Surfers For Sewage T-shirts and wet wipes were poor. On the plus side, we nearly won an Export Award by mistake, and we did actually win a Darwin Award.’



Fawlty valve possible source of Torquay parasite outbreak


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A spokesperson for South West Water made the following statement in response to questions from Newbiscuit:


Newsbiscuit: How do you feel about the problems you have caused your customers?


Spokesperson: I mean, have you seen the people in Brixham? They've never even sat on deck chairs before.


Newsbiscuit: Up to 100 people had reported symptoms to their GP in the last week. Do you think you have been slow to act?


Spokesperson: People round here don't talk that much in the morning... Well look, we're just delivering water, right? If the locals aren't singing 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning' we don't immediately think, 'Oh there's another one got the runs - another name in the 'South West Water Accident Book'. I mean this is a seaside resort, not the Burma Railway. I mean it does actually say 'English Riviera' on the signs, you know. Perhaps we should be more specific. What about 'Area of Outstanding natural beauty' for people who have a better than 50 per cent chance of making it through the night without dashing to the toilet?


Newsbiscuit: What do you think caused the problem.


Spokesperson: Oh, we don't know, Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain..."


Newsbiscuit: So it could be effluent. Where do you normally put that?


Spokesperson: Over there between the land and the sky!


Newsbiscuit: Are you going to do anything about it?


Spokesperson: We were just doing something about it, you stupid people. We just stopped doing something, to come here and be asked by you to do what what we were already doin'. I mean, what is the point in asking us to do what we're already doing? I mean, what is the bloody point? We're doing it, aren't we? Yes, we'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like the Paignton moved a bit to the left?


Newsbiscuit: So what are you going to do?


Spokesperson: We are going to restart the filtration system, and if the vicious bastard doesn't start... We'll count to three, and give it a damn good thrashing.


Newsbiscuit: Do you think there is a case to be made for fines or even re-nationalisation?


Spokesperson: This is typical. Absolutely typical...of the kind of...arse we have to put up with from you people. You ponce down here in your Chelsea Tractors expecting to be waited on hand and foot, while we're trying to run a resort here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not, you're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble, going to Poland on holiday. Well we've had years of pandering to the likes of you, and we've had enough. We've had it. Come on, pack your bags and get out!



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