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Thames Water saved by St Swithins Day

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After extracting billions from water rate payers since privatisation, plus loading the company with debt all in order to pay shareholders untold riches, it looked like the company was on its last legs as the government, country and anyone with half a functioning braincell could see it was failing in all aspects, unless discharging turds into public waterways instead of processing them to provide clean water was an agreed objective - clue, it isn't.


Now the final nail in its coffin after years of not increasing the water storage capacity through reservoirs and/or reducing losses through leaks it was gearing up to announce sweeping water restrictions such as hosepipe bans and stand-pipes in the street. Then, yesterday, on St Swithins Day, it rained. Practically everywhere.


'It's a bloody miracle,' claimed a spokesman for the CEO. 'We've been praying for rain on the fifteenth of July for months,' he said, adding, 'or a massive government bailout, again, but it's pretty much the same thing,' he said.


'According to the legend, it will now rain for forty days and forty nights. Probably one after the other,' he said, crossing his fingers and toes. 'It's guaranteed, isn't it?' he asked, probably rhetorically. he confided that he also hoped the government would rain cash on it for forty or so days, 'just like they used to'.


In other news the tooth fairy is real, Santa is watching every move you make. Gregg Wallace is the epitome of acceptable behaviour and the IDF are the good guys.



Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water


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Yes, Thames Water is washed up and in deep water and, indeed, in deep doo-doo. All is not well. The company can’t tap investors for more money and all their funding has drained away. The company has liquidity problems and is likely to go down the drain and sink without trace. The current financial problems are weighing evian the Board, which is simply treading water. Past successes are water under the bridge and nothing can calm the waters. The well has run dry. Investors are likely to take a bath.


The company tested the waters on selling itself to an oil company, but oil and water don’t mix, despite the whole oil on troubled waters thing. The oil barons were unwilling to splash the cash and poured cold water on draining the swamp. The idea is now dead in the water.


The first rescue plan has been blown out of the water. The second rescue plan is ‘as weak as water’. The third rescue plan merely muddies the water. The fourth rescue plan is unimaginative – as dull as ditchwater. The fifth rescue plan fell between two stools. Actually, more than two. The sixth rescue plan threw the baby out with the bath water, and had to be watered down.


Politicians think the company is a right shower and have been quick to establish clear blue water between themselves and the crisis. Thames Water are intrigued at the idea that water could be both clear and blue, being more used to murky waters.




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