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End of Days promises balmy weather


As Christian zionists salivate over building the Third Temple and ushering in the age of Gog and Magog, the rest of us can expect a delightful Spring. Said one weather caster. "It'll initially be long evenings of lawn tennis and fruit punch, followed by the Anti-Christ and his demonic horde. So do try to enjoy the sunshine while you can."


This was confirmed by Beelzebub, "Yes, there'll be eternal suffering but you'll have plenty of time to appreciate the daffodils-before you're pushing them up. Why not redecorate? You've been putting it off. And after all, you've got all the time in the world-literally."


Explained one theologian, "The important thing is not to let the Apocalypse disrupt your plans. And if you really want to indulge in hell on earth, there's the FIFA World Cup to look forward to."



Trump claims to have ended five winters


President Trump has claimed that he has "ended 5 winters in just 5 years" in a social media post with the title "the president of summer".


His latest addition to his list of winters "ended" is the months-long chill between 2025 and 2026.


The other four were between 2017 and 2021, in his first term as president.


A number of these winters were unusually mild, due to global warming which Trump denies - and one of them had little in the way of cold to end.


It is also unclear whether some of the recent mild temperatures will last.


He has publicly stated that he should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Nice Weather. However, his chances may have been badly impacted by the recent chilling atmosphere over Greenland.



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