Car of the month: Israel's Settler Extreme

'If you're a fan of the IDF Merkava,' said a spokes-gasket for the Likud Hard Right Coalition Motor Corporation, 'then you'll love this unbelievably unpleasant civilian counterpart we've brought onto the market: the West Bank Settler Extreme.

'The Settler is an all-terrain vehicle, meaning that it will ride roughshod over any Palestinian farmer in the West Bank and take all his terrain.

"And it comes complete with a licence - a licence to do whatever the hell it likes while the Israeli police turn a blind eye.'

The head of Likud Motors, Benjamin Netanyahu, said, 'I got a great deal on a fleet of Settlers. They vote for me and my hard-right cronies. In return, I let them seize all the land they like in the occupied territories to build settlements on.

'So see how the Settler Extreme performs in trials,' gushed the spokes-sprocket, 'as it sets light to a West Bank village and never goes on trial for the crime.

'And make sure to order your Settler Extreme today - bearing in mind that our Settlers are totally disorderly and violent in the extreme.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

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UK threatens West Bank settlement with milquetoast and tutting

The Foreign Secretary is to lay out a series of timid sanctions designed to mildly inconvenience the Netanyahu regime. This will be followed by a strongly worded postcard campaign. Every Monday, government officials will send handwritten notes expressing ‘deep disappointment’ in increasingly large fonts.

A Foreign Office official confirmed, ‘Yes, we helped them commit a genocide but you have to agree reducing diplomatic applause by 7% will have devasting effects.’ Alongside this the UK will symbolically close its Embassy Gift Shop, meaning ‘I ❤ war crimes’ keyrings will become significantly harder to obtain.

There will be a one minute of deliberate awkward silence at every summit, while delegates stare at their notes and pretend to check messages. Tough sanction include the immediate removal of preferred biscuit status - visiting Israeli diplomats will be moved from chocolate digestives to rich tea. ‘Existing friendship bracelets may be retained, but no new ones may be exchanged until relations improve.’

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