UK threatens West Bank settlement with milquetoast and tutting

The Foreign Secretary is to lay out a series of timid sanctions designed to mildly inconvenience the Netanyahu regime. This will be followed by a strongly worded postcard campaign. Every Monday, government officials will send handwritten notes expressing ‘deep disappointment’ in increasingly large fonts.

A Foreign Office official confirmed, ‘Yes, we helped them commit a genocide but you have to agree reducing diplomatic applause by 7% will have devasting effects.’ Alongside this the UK will symbolically close its Embassy Gift Shop, meaning ‘I ❤ war crimes’ keyrings will become significantly harder to obtain.

There will be a one minute of deliberate awkward silence at every summit, while delegates stare at their notes and pretend to check messages. Tough sanction include the immediate removal of preferred biscuit status - visiting Israeli diplomats will be moved from chocolate digestives to rich tea. ‘Existing friendship bracelets may be retained, but no new ones may be exchanged until relations improve.’

Image: WixAI

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here