"We really miss Boris Johnson" - Despondent journalists pen open letter to Starmer

A number of Westminster press pack members have written an open letter to Keir Starmer begging him to ditch his bland, magnolia, completely insipid and totally nothing persona. Urging him to "buck up and adopt a more Boris Johnson like approach to the job".

One of the letter's signatories explained: 'Obviously, when in office Boris was an utterly feckless buffoon. He wouldn't have known the truth if it bit him on the arse. He had no understanding of important policy details and absolutely zero ability for the job whatsoever. And of course he hadn't a shred of personal integrity.

'But, I mean. Come on. It was never a dull moment. One minute he be hiding from us in a fridge, the next he was involved in illicit piss-ups at No.10 during lockdown. Blagging the cost of his wallpaper from the taxpayer, then all the stuff about his inability to keep little Boris in his trousers. Not to mention running roughshod over the very concept of common decency and continually lying to parliament. By God he was good for column inches and sales.'  

Downing Street has yet to comment but a spokesman for the PM said: 'Look, keep this under you hats for now. I can't see Keir going full Boris, though we're lining up a photo op where he's going to run through a field of wheat without first having cleared it with the farmer.' 

image from pixabay

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Petition to bring back 'Spangles' passes 2 million signatures

Right-wing media and influencers across the UK are claiming a government petition demanding a General Election equates to a vote of no confidence in the government. However, the petition's impressive number of signees lags behind the current leader, which aims to resurrect Spangles, a favourite sweet of the 1970's.

'Sir Keir Starmer has to accept the will of the people and talk to the King about this at their weekly audience,' said Dan Steely, the petition's creator. 'Hopefully between them, they can persuade Cadbury, or Trebor, or whoever made them to fire up the presses and get Spangles back on British shelves where they belong. If we can do this, then I've got plenty of other ideas for petitions: To bring back the Bar Six, change Snickers back to Marathon, and re-join the European Union. I think the first two have got the best chance of going somewhere.'

In Whitehall, civil servants monitoring the petitions were said to be advising ministers about the best course of action, and which flavour was most likely to appeal to Reform voters. 'We originally thought blackcurrant,' a member of the petitions team told us, 'but then we realised they'd baulk at anything with black in the name. So, we decided on the classic English flavour of pineapple. To be honest though, it wouldn't have mattered which we'd chosen, once we'd put them in Union Flag packaging and called them 'Patriot Sweets' we'd never keep them on the shelves.'

Image: WixAI

Westminster R.S.P.C.A. to investigate snouts still stuck in the trough

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