It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.
The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.
He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.
The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.
The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.
A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.
Image from NewsBiscuit archive
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WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms.
“What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime Minister’s Questions.
“The Labour Party would lead the country in an unrecognisable fashion from Boris Johnson’s rabble, as you can clearly see from our poaching of someone who voted for all his policies.”
Starmer’s revelation came as Christian Wakeford, MP for Bury South, dramatically crossed the floor of the House of Commons to join his new colleagues in the opposition ranks, sewing discomfort and awkwardness as he settled in with his union jack facemask.
“This is far easier than electing candidates of our own,” opined the Leader of the Opposition.
Prime Minister Johnson seemed unruffled by Wakeford’s departure, merely vowing to “bury the Honourable Member, and send his career south. Chortle, chortle. Good one, Boris. That should keep the plebs off my back for a bit.”
Starmer continued, “I would also like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch across the aisle to all other political turncoats. There is nothing we in the Labour Party value more than a hearty round of infighting, followed by an evening of treachery and backstabbing. Welcome aboard Judas – I mean, Christian. You’ll fit right in.”
“These politicians, mate. They’re all the same – can’t trust any of them,” observed a man on the street.
At press time, Angela Rayner was being restrained by the entire shadow cabinet after threatening to “deck” the “Tory scum” now sitting directly behind her.
First published 21 Jan 2022
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