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Panic gripped Westminster today as there was a collective realisation that no-one had been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson.
'He was here, like 10 days ago, said his close protection guard who chose to remain anonymous, 'but he just muttered some nonsense about "wiff-waff" and barreled out into the garden and ran through a fence. We haven't been able to locate him since.'
The guard said it was not unusual for Mr Johnson to go missing for a few days but he always returned to mate or feed. Or both. 'His instincts are relatively simplistic and easily serviced,' said John Jarrow, Johnson's PA / keeper since 2015, 'but his urges drive him to bolt in order to immediately satisfy himself. Last month he had to be extracted after attacking a horse who he'd thought was challenging his manhood.'
Other Johnson excursions include getting naked and hiding in the luggage stow of a helicopter bound for Guernsey; going missing for a few days and being found in Chichester after being startled by his reflection; and repeatedly humping a mannequin in Selfridges. 'I just fear he's impregnated someone again,' said Jarrow, 'it's difficult to keep up with Boris never mind all of his children too.'
‘It’s just good capacity planning’, Jeff Rogers told us. Jeff is the Manager at Westminster JobCentre.
‘We’re expecting an extra 300 unemployed people with receding chins the day after the General Election. I’m hoping they’ll register in their own constituencies but some of them spend all their time down here, doing coke and shagging. If you’ve ever seen Shameless, think of that but with suits.
‘The last possible date for a General Election would be 28th January 2025’ he continued. ‘Just as brides set their wedding date to avoid being on the blob, prime ministers are allowed to call an earlier election date to coincide with a period of economic stability or general national confidence. So January 28th it is’, he declared. ‘I’m booking that week off’.
image from pixabay
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