China fails to break UK democracy as someone got there first

The Chinese Ambassador admitted: 'We hacked your electoral roll, only to discover three names left on it - Peter Mandelson, Eddie the Eagle and Bolton Wanderers FC. Someone had already deleted millions of voters and replaced them with a gallery of erotic photographs of Prince Andrew and a lubricated garden gnome.'

Further attempts to undermine MPs were thwarted by the MPs own voting record. 'We'd hoped to create fake stories of lurid sex scandals and financial wrongdoing, but nothing prepared us for Rishi Sunak's debauched WhatsApp group and Keir Starmer's sock drawer.

'We have a strong suspicion that the UK may be a front for an elaborate money laundering scheme, while the real UK is based in the Cayman Islands. Having hacked into the UK we are now worried our computers might have picked up a virus. And judging by your Ministers, its probably Syphilis.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Artist's impression of new lobby in Westminster

Panic as collective realisation that no one has been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson

Panic gripped Westminster today as there was a collective realisation that no-one had been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson.

'He was here, like 10 days ago, said his close protection guard who chose to remain anonymous, 'but he just muttered some nonsense about "wiff-waff" and barreled out into the garden and ran through a fence. We haven't been able to locate him since.'

The guard said it was not unusual for Mr Johnson to go missing for a few days but he always returned to mate or feed. Or both. 'His instincts are relatively simplistic and easily serviced,' said John Jarrow, Johnson's PA / keeper since 2015, 'but his urges drive him to bolt in order to immediately satisfy himself. Last month he had to be extracted after attacking a horse who he'd thought was challenging his manhood.'

Other Johnson excursions include getting naked and hiding in the luggage stow of a helicopter bound for Guernsey; going missing for a few days and being found in Chichester after being startled by his reflection; and repeatedly humping a mannequin in Selfridges. 'I just fear he's impregnated someone again,' said Jarrow, 'it's difficult to keep up with Boris never mind all of his children too.'