Panic as collective realisation that no one has been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson

Panic gripped Westminster today as there was a collective realisation that no-one had been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson.

'He was here, like 10 days ago, said his close protection guard who chose to remain anonymous, 'but he just muttered some nonsense about "wiff-waff" and barreled out into the garden and ran through a fence. We haven't been able to locate him since.'

The guard said it was not unusual for Mr Johnson to go missing for a few days but he always returned to mate or feed. Or both. 'His instincts are relatively simplistic and easily serviced,' said John Jarrow, Johnson's PA / keeper since 2015, 'but his urges drive him to bolt in order to immediately satisfy himself. Last month he had to be extracted after attacking a horse who he'd thought was challenging his manhood.'

Other Johnson excursions include getting naked and hiding in the luggage stow of a helicopter bound for Guernsey; going missing for a few days and being found in Chichester after being startled by his reflection; and repeatedly humping a mannequin in Selfridges. 'I just fear he's impregnated someone again,' said Jarrow, 'it's difficult to keep up with Boris never mind all of his children too.'

Westminster Job Centre wants to know date of General Election

‘It’s just good capacity planning’, Jeff Rogers told us. Jeff is the Manager at Westminster JobCentre.

‘We’re expecting an extra 300 unemployed people with receding chins the day after the General Election. I’m hoping they’ll register in their own constituencies but some of them spend all their time down here, doing coke and shagging. If you’ve ever seen Shameless, think of that but with suits.

‘The last possible date for a General Election would be 28th January 2025’ he continued. ‘Just as brides set their wedding date to avoid being on the blob, prime ministers are allowed to call an earlier election date to coincide with a period of economic stability or general national confidence. So January 28th it is’, he declared. ‘I’m booking that week off’.

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Security services warn over General Public infiltration in politics

Westminster has been agog ever since the revelation that a parliamentary researcher has been arrested under the Official Secrets Act, under suspicion of working in the interests of the general public.

But should parliamentarians have been surprised?

When Ken McCallum, the head of MI5, delivered a speech on the threats to Britain's security last year he warned that the electorate is 'playing the long game'.

'Not only do they want to influence 'prominent parliamentarians from across the political landscape,' he said, 'but people much earlier in their careers in public life, gradually building a debt of obligation.'

A strong clue about what Mr McCallum was getting at came last weekend, with the revelation of the arrest.

The Times newspaper suggested another example of voters attempting to influence those at the lower rungs of politics, claiming that MI5 warned the Conservative Party in 2021 and 2022 that two possible parliamentary candidates could be just ordinary people.

The story has neither been confirmed nor denied by the Conservatives, with a spokesman saying that 'when we receive credible information regarding security concerns over potential candidates we act upon them.'

Two senior sources confirmed to our reporter that that security services had occasionally warned the Conservative Party to 'be careful' about individuals attempting to get on in politics.

But they said these warnings are rare, as well as typically being vague about the reasons for suspicion about the people concerned. The security services do not systematically 'vet' Conservative candidates - instead any contact is proactive on their part.

Separately, we have been told that senior government officials have been warned not to discuss sensitive work in pubs around Parliament for fear that agents of hostile citizen groups are eavesdropping.

One individual said that they had been warned that in some packed establishments around Westminster 'you just don't know who's there', and that gossip about politicians or officials 'could be valuable in a common sense influence operation'.

They said that the warnings were not about parliamentary researchers themselves being members of the general public, but that others nearby who appear to either be parliamentary staff or tourists might in fact be ordinary people.

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