Panic gripped Westminster today as there was a collective realisation that no-one had been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson.
'He was here, like 10 days ago, said his close protection guard who chose to remain anonymous, 'but he just muttered some nonsense about "wiff-waff" and barreled out into the garden and ran through a fence. We haven't been able to locate him since.'
The guard said it was not unusual for Mr Johnson to go missing for a few days but he always returned to mate or feed. Or both. 'His instincts are relatively simplistic and easily serviced,' said John Jarrow, Johnson's PA / keeper since 2015, 'but his urges drive him to bolt in order to immediately satisfy himself. Last month he had to be extracted after attacking a horse who he'd thought was challenging his manhood.'
Other Johnson excursions include getting naked and hiding in the luggage stow of a helicopter bound for Guernsey; going missing for a few days and being found in Chichester after being startled by his reflection; and repeatedly humping a mannequin in Selfridges. 'I just fear he's impregnated someone again,' said Jarrow, 'it's difficult to keep up with Boris never mind all of his children too.'