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The UK-based anti-abuse charity, E-nuforeddy, is ramping up its ‘Go Means Go!’ campaign. The charity aims to combat the growing problem of people being profoundly deaf to calls for them to leave.


Regional Manager, Sarah Longstory explained, ‘We’ve all been in situations with that one person who outstays their welcome. It’s difficult and traumatic for all involved. We need a way for the transgressor to understand and, more importantly, to act when they are being told to go.’


The campaign has been buoyed by recent successes where offending parties have finally succumbed to immense public pressure and left of their own volition. ‘However, we have to recognise that not all offenders find it easy to accept that they have to physically leave and not just look sheepish. Sometimes, it can take them time to actually hear the calls and let them sink in, even when, to you or I, it would be glaringly obvious; such as being swore at to the face or being on the front pages of the national newspapers.


‘For these people, we need a rigorous program of rehabilitation. We need to help them spot the signs, such as someone aggressively shouting ‘Resign’ or pointing out their illegal behaviour. We also need to teach them how to react accordingly. Sometimes even this is not enough and we need to employ specialist crews trained in dragging people out kicking and screaming. We are asking for donations today to fund a specialist unit urgently required in the Westminster area.'


By helenrushworth




A somewhat portly Westminster resident with a shock of unkempt blond hair has strongly denied being Boris Johnson today.


Speaking to reporters at the gates of Downing Street the man said: 'I am not Boris Johnson. No, no, no. Not a bit of it. Boris Johnson, moi? Erm... wait a minute, yes, that's it, Ha ha. Brilliant. I am in fact PPE salesman, Wayne Potter. I always have been and I am glad of this opportunity to clear the air at long last.


'Gosh, it feels good to get that out there. I think this Johnson fella is toxic. His behaviour is appalling. He lies at the drop of a hat, has no honour whatsoever, and as for his integrity? It's non-existent. He's an absolute chancer.


'I'm only sorry that I seem to be a bit of a doppelganger. The dead spit, if you will. Well, I am not he. Honestly, you'd scarcely believe the grief this mix-up has cost me in recent months. It's has been harrowing. "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others," as my Ancient Greek tutor might have put it. Eh, what?


'Right then, OK, so got that everyone? I'm not Boris Johnson. Definitely not. I must dash now as I have to speak to some old doddery chap who lives in a big house in Washington about the impending war... I mean a PPE deal. Toodle-ooh.'




WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms.


“What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime Minister’s Questions.


“The Labour Party would lead the country in an unrecognisable fashion from Boris Johnson’s rabble, as you can clearly see from our poaching of someone who voted for all his policies.”


Starmer’s revelation came as Christian Wakeford, MP for Bury South, dramatically crossed the floor of the House of Commons to join his new colleagues in the opposition ranks, sewing discomfort and awkwardness as he settled in with his union jack facemask.


“This is far easier than electing candidates of our own,” opined the Leader of the Opposition.


Prime Minister Johnson seemed unruffled by Wakeford’s departure, merely vowing to “bury the Honourable Member, and send his career south. Chortle, chortle. Good one, Boris. That should keep the plebs off my back for a bit.”


Starmer continued, “I would also like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch across the aisle to all other political turncoats. There is nothing we in the Labour Party value more than a hearty round of infighting, followed by an evening of treachery and backstabbing. Welcome aboard Judas – I mean, Christian. You’ll fit right in.”


“These politicians, mate. They’re all the same – can’t trust any of them,” observed a man on the street.


At press time, Angela Rayner was being restrained by the entire shadow cabinet after threatening to “deck” the “Tory scum” now sitting directly behind her.



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