Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people

Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”

The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.

Image: mohamed_hassan | Pixabay

Man finds a use for SOHCAHTOA at aged 33

Brian Belter, 33, struggled to understand Pythagoras' Theorem, let alone SOHCAHTOA in school, along with quadratic and simultaneous equations. 'I couldn't see where I'd use them,' he admitted today. 'They seemed thought out, fair enough, but pretty useless to a guy like me bent on a career working in Wetherspoons,' said the bartender, now in his sixteenth year working for the pub chain.

'I'm a manager now, hiring and firing, sorting out orders, checking the till receipts, fudging the bouncer paperwork, but I didn't need anything other than the arithmetic I learned in junior school,' he added. 'The rest,' he added, 'is bollocks, frankly.'

Then he had a customer ask for a pitcher of Harvey Wallbanger with the straw being covered for 23cm exactly when delivered. 'It was a City crowd, pin striped suits, clearly on a dare from his well-heeled friends. I wasn't going to pander to them so I measured the height of the cocktail, the distance of the straw from the base and applied the equations Mr Grimshaw hammered into me to work out the hypotenuse. A few re-calcs sorted out the errors and I got the angle dead right. What a waste of time,' he added.

'Just after they ordered that silly round one of my bartenders came to me with another problem, from some drinkers suffering from the financial issues. He said, 'if they have two pints and five halves for £15.23 or four pints and three halves at £18.33, how much is a pint of beer?

'I told them to f*ck off, obviously.'

House of Lords to relocate to Wetherspoons

The renovations needed at Westminster require the House of Lords to relocate until the roof is fixed, WiFi is installed and the toilets moved indoors.

'It's going to take a few years and it's going to need a suitable place for Peers to attend, sleep and draw daily allowances,' said a spokesman for the House of Lords today. 'They might need to engage in some friendly banter and debate as well, so we thought we ought to find a suitable place to relocate them to pronto,' he added.

He stated that Wetherspoons seemed to be a good choice as it tends to use aging, quirky premises, has cheap alcohol, serves from eight in the morning and, crucially from a health and safety point of view, has a unique non-slip surface on the floor. It is understood that some patrons have been literally stuck to the surface for years it's that effective. Luckily most seem to have been adhered next to the bar so haven't struggled to eat or drink.

Not everyone in the House of Lords is as keen on the proposal. One objector pointed out that a six person all-party committee undertook a research project into the feasibility in March and apart from a brief sighting of two of the peers staggering across King's Cross Road in ermine robes, tracky bottoms, white socks and Adidas trainers, they haven't returned to the House of Lords, not even to file expense claims, which are expected to be in the tens of pounds by now.

Image:Pixabay/Chequeredink