Banknote animal contest 'to the death', screams a bloodthirsty Attenborough

Sir David Attenborough has confided in colleagues that as he begins his 2nd century, his usual leisure pursuits of dolphin drowning, chimpanzee knife fights and adding to his collection of panda-fur pimp coats, no longer hold the same appeal they once did.

One cameraman said, 'Poor old Dave. Even hippopotamus porn, setting fire to rare grasslands and high stakes wagers involving poisonous frogs are now losing their lustre. But when he heard about a contest for putting British animals on bank notes, his eyes lit up with a blood lust I've not seen since Blue Planet II: This Time It's Personal.'

A statement from Attenborough's office said 'Who doesn't want to see a badger fight a kestrel, only for a fox going through some bins to get the nod for the £20 note? Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitches! Queensberry Rules.'

David Attenborough reaches 100 by using fresh gorilla glands

The well-preserved centenarian puts his longevity down to feasting on and injecting exotic animals. His spokeswoman admitted, 'David has been fortunate to visit many endangered species, while having access to some of the best seasoning the BBC can pay for.'

Who can forget his shows— Planet à la Carte, Life on a Plate or The Living Pantry. In the Blue Planet he explored today’s catch at a very reasonable price, with a side order of The Private Life of Prawns. And in Frozen Planet he explored a harsh, icy environment where leftovers struggle to survive—asking the question, are they suitable for microwave reheating?

'The reason he has been so articulate in preserving these elusive creatures, is that Sir David does not want to disrupt his meal planning.'

Image: Wix AI

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