Worker 'taking one for the team' won't

Grandstanding at his bi-monthly meeting, Sam Goater (35) declared he would go the extra mile - while keeping both fingers firmly crossed. In fact, he has no plans to do anything that will involve extra effort, a millisecond of inconvenience or the slimmest possibility that he might help someone.

One tearful colleague spoke of how impressed they were by Sam's sacrifice: 'You just don't often see acts of generosity like that'. Which is true. They hadn't. Sadly, 'taking one for the team' has become code for 'I'm ruthlessly ambitious and at the first opportunity I'll backstab the lot of you for a promotion.'

Said Sam: 'Last month I promised to 'leave no stone unturned' and to give '110 %' - in reality I just sat at my desk and played solitaire. I'm going to have these guys for breakfast. There may be no 'I' in Team, but there is plenty of meat.'

Photo by Redd F on Unsplash

A day in the life of the modern white collar worker

Boris Johnson to adopt cunning strategy of telling truth

Changing strategies, Boris Johnson will now tell the truth about all the rules and laws broken by his constant lockdown raving, before moonwalking out of the Commons, shouting ‘party at mine later’.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘Everyone assumes Boris is always lying, so if he tells the truth people will assume that is a lie too and he'll get away with it. Let lying dogs sleep, and all that'.

After a recent 1922 Committee meeting – so named for when its attitudes date from – Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Boris came in to the work meeting with a 4 pack of Fosters, and ripped off his trousers like Bucks Fizz, revealing a posing pouch bejewelled with the letters BJ. He said “These are both my initials and a suggestion. Anyway, you want my truth? You can’t handle my truth. And by my truth, I mean my penis.”’