Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."

While sitting at the Christmas table urgent orchestral music kicked in, informing Jordan that his destiny was elsewhere. The turkey started glitch‑nagging, saying “You should really get back to the main road.” All these portents were complemented by an email entitled – "Main Quest: Still waiting for you. Anytime. No rush. It’s only the fate of the world."

Jordan was philosophical – "Bit of a coincidence,” he muttered, turning around to go do the thing the developers wanted him to do all along. He just couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he wasn’t the hero of the quests, he was just an NPC.

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Oh darling, there ain't no pleasin' you

Aussies celebrate new "right to disconnect"

'I'm going out on the town and drinking a dozen schooners of the amber nectar to celebrate my right to disconnect," said Melbourne nurse Sheila, after hearing that Australian workers now have the right to ignore communications from their employers when they are off shift.

'I've always said to the matron that it would actually be pretty fucking dangerous to connect with me in my spare hours, given the amount of alcohol I put into my system immediately after work down the Waltzing Matilda Chug and Root.

'I swear that after an hour at that bar, I wouldn't know whether to stick an enema into an arse or an elbow.'

"Having the right to disconnect makes sod all difference to me, mate,' said ranch hand Bruce, blearily shaving his head with a set of electric sheep shears.

'I've been pretty much totally disconnected ever since I started downing tinnies at the age of twelve.

'Where the fuck am I? Why am I seeing hundreds of fluffy white creatures? Have I got the DTs?'

Photo by Victor Clime on Unsplash