Putin explains to Trump that he's getting it all wrong

'Look, mate - 

(1) None of this 'Major combat operation'.  Bit of a giveaway, and sounds far too aggressive.  It's always a 'Special military operation.'

(2) You're not attacking a 'foreign country'.  Iran is and always has been an integral part of the United states of America, like Canada, Greenland and Venezuela.  It's just been acting like a breakaway province in recent decades.  But you are liberating it and its people.

(3) Don't just drop bombs on it and fire missiles at it.  Get stuck in, do the job properly, march in and march over people's faces, let the tanks roll in and roll over people, their homes and everything.  And while you're at it, kidnap a few thousand children and drag them away to be brainwashed.

(4) You didn't kill Khamenei.  That would be aggressive and nasty.  The poor feeble old bugger just toppled over and accidentally fell out of a window.

But you've started, so finish.  If all your armed forces are busy in Iran, at least that'll stop you trying to poke your nose into Ukraine, which is absolutely none of your business.

Have a nice day!  - Your mate, Vlad.

Scouts told they should have read the small print, before they signed up

The government is to announce new powers making it easier to mobilise tens of thousands of paramilitary personnel to prepare for war.

Under the terms of being accepted as a Scout, recruits had to swear they would follow the Scout’s duty before anything else, even though he gives up pleasuring himself, or comfort, or safety to do it.

Legally, a spoken agreement has the same value in law, as a written contract.

Whilst it isn’t expected at this stage that Scouts will be given weapons, or get to drive tanks, it’s thought they could take pressure off front-line troops by polishing their boots and topping up the officers’ glasses in the mess.

They will be told that so long as they behave themselves, a career in teaching awaits them at the end of their military service, where they can use the skills they were taught, i.e. how to shout and bully people smaller than them, as happened when ex-conscripts became teachers in the 60s.

Putin promises no more wars, if Europe respects Russia

Putin has promised there will be no more wars, if Europe respects Russia.

His spokesman went on to explain that respect, in this context, means not objecting when Russia takes entire countries that Russia thinks it rightfully owns because it conquered them once before. And not offering them military assistance and funding. Also respecting Russia's plans to make Europe dependent on Russian resources like oil and gas. And not developing weapons that could counter Russia's weapons, such as anti-missile systems and nuclear missiles. And not stationing them anywhere near Russia's borders. And not even having the ability to cut off Russia's maritime access through the Baltic or the Black Sea or the Arctic. And not suggesting that Russia's occupation of Georgian territory, or Chechnya, is in any way wrong or unjustified. And not even talking about human rights in Russia. And not harboring Russian opposition figures. And allowing Russia to fund lobbying and bribes in our political systems.

You know, the usual respecty things, like in Goodfellas.

And this time, Putin is definitely not lying, whatever you might have been told he has promised in the past.

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