"I've said all along," said Nigel Farage, stroking his British Blue moggy, Rothmans, "that if you start letting asylum-seeking Amur tigers land in small boats on our shores and lay on zoo enclosures for them, sooner or later they'll attack the host population.
"And I've been warning for years about how the Yorkshire zoo where all this happened has been getting entirely overrun with foreign species: kookaburras, tapirs, yaks and God knows what else.
"We should cut off welfare payments to the lot of them and ship them back to whatever jungles they crawled out of, at their own expense.
"Whoever thought Britain would benefit from giving houseroom to some treacherous, stripey Asian predator? We've got our own treacherous predators - like stoats and weasels - which are much more my scene."
image by Grok
'It's OK for smaller creatures like meercats - for them it's simples' said Ollie the elephant 'But suitable accommodation for me and my wife Ellie costs a fortune and is a much bigger problem'. 'It's even worse for us' said Ginny giraffe 'We're having a real struggle to find anywhere suitable at all - it's been a real pain in the neck.'
The monkeys, too, are having problems, especially the chimpanzees. 'There's a load of us' said Charlie Chimp 'and we need enough space to sit down at our typewriters, as well as somewhere providing enough peace and quiet to be able to finish writing all these playt - oh, fuck it, I mean plays. Bollocks, now I've got to start from the beginning all over again. Please excuse me.'
The only tenants who seemed less worried were the hyenas, who hoped they might be adopted as domestic pets and therefore not need to rent cages, so would be laughing all the way to the bank.
Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.
First published 4 Sep 2022
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |  |