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87% of Russians vote for Putin. 13% vote for life in Siberia

In a landslide victory, the majority of Russians voted not to be killed by nerve agent. Said one citizen: 'On the one hand I could have voted for a change of government, on the other hand, I prefer my hands attached at the wrist.

'Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of democracy, but I also like my kneecaps unbroken. I just wanted to vote for the pro-life candidate - my life, that is.'

Post-election the 13% were given time to consider the error of their ways and set their affairs in order. The Kremlin announced: 'Voting is important and opposition is vital. How else can know how many prison cells we need?'

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