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Russia complains Ukraine 'isn't playing fair'



The Russian Federation has lodged a formal complaint about Ukraine following a series of 'unforgivable' offensive actions by 'rogue Ukrainians', or 'defenders' as they prefer to be called.

'We are supposed to be the aggressors,' said a Russian spokesman. 'But they attack our tanks, our soldiers and now they fly into Russia and attack us. It's so unfair,' he added.

Ukrainian defence experts have acknowledged that they were billed as defenders and as such, should be incrementally losing ground. 'Soz, didn't get the memo,' said one expert. 'Perhaps Russia is misrepresenting our defence for offence. We can clearly state that we are just defending Ukraine and have no interest in attacking Russian locations,' he said, looking at his watch and hauling a missile onto his shoulder. 'Apart from Moscow,' he added.




First published 4 April 2022


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Putin first world leader to send message of congratulations to Will Smith



Despite having other fish frying, Russian despot Vladimir Putin, has been quick off the mark and becomes the first world leader to congratulate Will Smith, after the Men In Black star sensationally decked presenter Chris Rock live on stage at the Oscars ceremony.


A Kremlin spokesman said: 'This is pure gold for Mr Putin. It has shown the world there is an even bigger twonk than he is. With such an ill-judged action in the full glare of the world's media, this mudak, Smith, makes Mr Putin look like a tactical genius. Now we have a golden chance to brush our own monumental military cock-ups and war crimes under the carpet, as this utterly pointless Oscars story is going to run and run for weeks. Trust me, comrade.'


Meanwhile experts are divided over the unprecedented event. One high profile box-office hot ticket star attending the Vanity Fair after-party said: 'It was quite a moment wasn't it? Speaking for myself, though, I can honestly say had I been there I don't know which of them I'd have decked first. Irrespective of any jokes or slurs.'




First published 28 Mar 2022


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Europe surprised when total bastard starts shooting missiles at buildings





Many European commentators have declared themselves surprised and taken aback when a complete and utter bastard started shooting missiles at nearby buildings.


"We always knew Putin was a total slime tosser, but we thought he'd just be one in Syria or some republic we've never heard of, not somewhere they drive the same cars we do," said one.


"Yes, he covered half of Salisbury in nerve jelly, but we also figured him for a decent sort who would leave people alone to enjoy their tea. That was, of course, until he started firing missiles into buildings." said another.


"Of course, he's been accused been killing people in Europe for years, but always discretely and mostly journalists. We never thought he'd go in for the block booking," said a third.


Europe has been swift to respond and officially declare Putin a straight up 100% ****




First published 8 Mar 2022


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