Nadhim Zahawi stubs toe, blames Putin

Getting out of bed, Conservative Party Chairman Nadhim Zahawi stubbed his toe and immediately blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin. Zahawi also dropped his toast butter side down and complained that this was unfair, blaming Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.

Later that morning Zahawi narrowly missed his bus and swearily blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin. Zahawi ordered a coffee, but the barista got his order wrong and Zahawi glumly blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.

When asked if nurses should be paid properly, Zahawi meant to say "Nurses are hugely qualified people, doing a vital, highly skilled, difficult and stressful job heroically during a major pandemic and cost of living crisis. We need more of them and they should be paid commensurately."

Instead, Zahawi suggested nurses join a VIP Lane for Tory backhanders. Then he blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/tiburi-2851152/

Gosport dog now relieved that the Navy appears to heve repelled Putin's assault on the south coast

A Jack Russell Terrierist who spent the last hour trying to warn its owners that Putin's ambitions for Ukraine extend to the south coast of Britain appears to be satisfied that Britain's excellent armed forces have been able to repel a Russian invasion and has now shut the fuck up with his barking.

His mate, a mackerel tabby, made a brief attempt at facepalming with an expression that suggested "Don't you know what time of the year it is you stupid mutt?" before jumping on top of the fridge freezer to be out of the demented dog's way.

An uncanny silence has now descended over Gosport, but Gosport residents aren't certain if this is because the war is now over, or because the barrage of noise has forever destroyed their hearing.

Professor M Odelmaker, who moved to the south coast to enjoy his final years of retirement in peace, rang the Ministry of Defence to verify there wasn't a threat of war and was told there is always a threat of war, which is why they need to ensure the nuclear arsonal never reaches its use by date; and that by exploding weapons close to the end of their life at this time of year, it will not be noticed.

Professor Odelmaker asked whether they might be used to greater advantage in SW1A 0AA, which is easily reached on the No 11 bus but was told it was a bit too close to Tufton Street, where objections had previously made over fears the racket would upset their parliamentary poodles.

The MoD did however say it would ensure the JRT received a mention in despatches for his bravery in the face of the enemy and was just the sort of nutter they are always on the lookout for.

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image from pixabay

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