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Putin has promised there will be no more wars, if Europe respects Russia.


His spokesman went on to explain that respect, in this context, means not objecting when Russia takes entire countries that Russia thinks it rightfully owns because it conquered them once before. And not offering them military assistance and funding. Also respecting Russia's plans to make Europe dependent on Russian resources like oil and gas. And not developing weapons that could counter Russia's weapons, such as anti-missile systems and nuclear missiles. And not stationing them anywhere near Russia's borders. And not even having the ability to cut off Russia's maritime access through the Baltic or the Black Sea or the Arctic. And not suggesting that Russia's occupation of Georgian territory, or Chechnya, is in any way wrong or unjustified. And not even talking about human rights in Russia. And not harboring Russian opposition figures. And allowing Russia to fund lobbying and bribes in our political systems.


You know, the usual respecty things, like in Goodfellas.


And this time, Putin is definitely not lying, whatever you might have been told he has promised in the past.




The Head of NATO said he was super excited to get play with Action Men figures, once his wish for WWIII comes true. Singing a rendition of O Come All Ye Soldiers and Jingle Shells, he declared that Europe must go to war with Russia, if he is to meet his appraisal targets.


He said Santa’s Shock and Awe would ensure that Slay Bells Ring, while he encouraged all NATO members to Deck the Halls with Boughs of Ammo. When asked if he thought a winter offensive would be a good idea, he said everyone loves a white Xmas in Moscow—just ask Napoleon.


He was confident that Noel of Duty would work, just like Syria, Libya had been stellar successes. He said "Santa's bound to have a list of whose naught and nice. Who has oil, minerals, what Blackrock needs. All of these will factored in. What I can sure is that everyone will get a bit of Ukraine in their stocking—apart from the Ukrainians. They won't even get to keep a lump of coal."


image from pixabay


Keir Starmer and President Zelensky have agreed to use the Pam Ewing peace plan. With this plan, Russia withdraws to its borders, the last 50 years never happened, and Bobby Ewing becomes head of NATO.


Continuity-wise, this means erasing the Putin storyline, but Zelenskyy said he has no problem with that. The entire misstep of the provoking the Russians will be put down too much cheese the night before. The fever dream will allow the show to run for another season-at least until winter kicks in.


Critics have said that the Pam Dream Plan is not plausible, but supporters point out that neither was a Ukraine victory. Some say it is not canon, but Zelenskyy is not very keen on any kind of canon. Meanwhile, the Trump Peace Plan will be repurposed for the EastEnders Xmas special, where everyone dies.



Image credit: Stable Diffusion

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