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Dart frog which killed Navalny died when Putin touched it

"To assassinate the traitor Alexei Navalny in his Arctic penal colony, we flew in a rare and tiny poison dart frog from South America," cackled a spokes-hyena for the Kremlin.


"That frog contains a toxin 200 times stronger than morphine, and a single drop of it did for him.


"Afterwards, the frog was flown to Moscow so President Putin could shake it by the claw and thank it for its good work.


"However, after a single touch from Putin the frog collapsed, writhing in unwatchable agony, and died within seconds.


"Unfazed, the President ordered the creature to be grilled and served to him as an amuse-bouche."


Vladimir Putin is 73 years old in anthrax years.



WHO wards off Ukraine invasion with brilliant Covid-based peace plan



All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.


“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.


“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.


“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.


“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.


"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?


“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.


“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”




First published 1 Feb 2022


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