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Anal insertion champion accused of playing chess during live squeezathon

The prestigious ‘Up the Orifice 2022’ championships have been thrown into disarray by the resignation of world number one Mingus Carlsberg, just one insertion into a critical game.

‘Mingus made a strong start with an amusingly knobbly parsnip, causing involuntary applause and much empathetic shifting in their seats from the rapt audience,’ reported commentator Dan Fistule. ‘When plucky upstart Glans Newman responded with a bravura Orangina bottle (unlubricated), everyone thought it was game on, and settled in for the long stretch. However, rather than shoving up, Mingus threw down his next piece, a 3D replica of St Peter’s Basilica, and stormed- somewhat awkwardly- offstage, thereby throwing the game.’

Carlsberg then issued a statement accusing his opponent of clandestinely playing chess beneath the table during match play, showing a lack of respect for the noble art of anal insertion. A riposte from Newman’s camp insisted the chess pieces found littering the floor beneath his chair were merely warmup stretching aids, permissible under 2007’s controversial rules ‘expansion’.

‘It left the crowd breathless and tearful, with which, along with severe butticular tearing, we are all pretty familiar,’ recounted Fistule. ‘However, to everyone’s delight, Mingus’s empty chair was soon filled by wildcard ‘Sphinc’ Fillerstang, who, in a dazzling example of ‘reverse plug-play’, swiftly absorbed the chair itself into his capacious fundament. The audience leaped, roaring, from their seats, although much of that can be credited to the array of household items left clattering onto the upholstery. Bravo! Does anyone have a spare donut cushion?’

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