A Palace spokesperson confirmed that it was always the late Queen's intention that her funeral would conform to established protocols. 'Her Majesty would have insisted on the service being read out in the vernacular of a pirate, of course she would, me hearties,' practised the spokesperson, slipping an eye patch on for effect. 'It isn't known if Archbishop Welby will be wearing an eye patch, but I'm sure he will have an inflatable parrot on his shoulder during the service,' he added.
Sir Elton John is expected to wear a striped top and Westminster Abbey intends flying the skull and crossbones flag at half mast 'in total respect for the day.' King Charles is thought to be especially enthusiastic to find a use for his mock-Cornish accent, having spent the best part of fifty years owning most of the land there and not having any plausible reason to declare 'oit's the apple barrel for you Jim lad, yo ho ho and all that' until now.
Princes William and Harry are expected to leverage their in-depth knowledge through the Invictus Games and will attend in matching prosthetic legs, while throwing plastic pieces of eight into the crowd. Prince Andrew was disappointed to learn 'Love your lawyer day' wasn't until November 4th.
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