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Auto-industry admits only the unicycle is safe

A spokesperson for General Motors admitted: ‘Deaths by Space Hopper last year were zero. By contrast we’ve had to withdraw 2.6m cars – or caskets on wheels, as we call them. The pogo stick is a no-thrills model, but much safer than our clown cars. We always assumed four wheels good but we're now reassessing. Which is why I'm pleased to announce our hybrid Uni-Cadillac for 2015. One wheel. One solar panel. No luggage. No friends'

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