In a surprising legal manoeuvre, a bare chested, war-painted Boris Johnson has announced that he will request a trial by combat at his upcoming appearance at the ongoing Covid enquiry.
"Hear this", he bellowed, slapping his chest, "the past is the past, if you wish to pass judgement on me, you must best me in wrestling or a physical encounter of the enquiries choice. I can shoot, I can fence, I can grapple, I can shin kick with the best of them!"
Mr Johnson's tactics were clearly an aggressive tactic to put the board on the back foot. His posturing was accompanied by the unedifying sight of his naked upper torso daubed in Union flag colour war paints and a crudely placed pith helmet on his head.
"I will take on all-comers, only those who best me, can question my actions!" At this point, he ripped off his tearaway trousers revealing a thong with a picture of Nadine Dorries on the pouch. The crowd gasped and began to frenziedly back away from the terrifying sight.
The commission responded that Mr Johnson's request will be assessed but whatever happens he will be required to wear safety trousers at all times for fear of mass impregnation.
image from pixabay