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Sue Gray report labels Boris a ‘total lightweight’


Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.


“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.


“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”


Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.


One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.


“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”




First published 26 Jan 2022


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Bare chested Boris Johnson requests trial by combat at Covid enquiry

In a surprising legal manoeuvre, a bare chested, war-painted Boris Johnson has announced that he will request a trial by combat at his upcoming appearance at the ongoing Covid enquiry.


"Hear this", he bellowed, slapping his chest, "the past is the past, if you wish to pass judgement on me, you must best me in wrestling or a physical encounter of the enquiries choice. I can shoot, I can fence, I can grapple, I can shin kick with the best of them!"


Mr Johnson's tactics were clearly an aggressive tactic to put the board on the back foot. His posturing was accompanied by the unedifying sight of his naked upper torso daubed in Union flag colour war paints and a crudely placed pith helmet on his head.


"I will take on all-comers, only those who best me, can question my actions!" At this point, he ripped off his tearaway trousers revealing a thong with a picture of Nadine Dorries on the pouch. The crowd gasped and began to frenziedly back away from the terrifying sight.


The commission responded that Mr Johnson's request will be assessed but whatever happens he will be required to wear safety trousers at all times for fear of mass impregnation.


image from pixabay



First published 3 Dec 2023


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Nicola Sturgeon failed to pass semaphore messages to enquiry




Following a furore regarding the failure to retain WhatsApp messages sent and received during the pandemic, the Scottish First Minister at the time explained that unlike the London based government she didn't use WhatsApp for official messages and had set her phone to auto delete messages including the controversial Scottish Country dancing group, Scottish not so young bakers group and several groups related to virtual birthday parties.  All the messages have been provided to the enquiry via other respondents in each group including the motorhome group exchanges, which are being poured over by an unusually large number of researchers for reasons not yet understood.



Critics of the then First Minister have not been assuaged by the revelation that she used official channels for all formal communications and had contemporaneous and handwritten notes copied to the official files, and have asked for further evidence that she didn't pass every passing thought to the enquiry, including an allegation that senior SNP officials used semaphore as a means to pass messages they didn't want making public, despite requiring the senders and receivers needing to stand on public hilltops in Scotland in plain sight. 


A spokesman commented that flag waving was something 'Miss Sturgeon did do at the time, but not to convey messages related to the pandemic response'.



There is an underlying belief by some that the First Minister may have got around formal records requirements by relaying messages through the medium of interpretive dance, however the spokesman suggested they might be getting confused with the UK MP, Theresa May.


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