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Bernie Ecclestone avoids tax bill by claiming to be under 12

The diminutive Formula 1 boss has been cunningly concealing his age (83) by only appearing in public as a wrinkled child, with a series of elegant models to breast feed him. The miserly Lilliputian is currently on trial in Munich for bribery charges but will only be able to attend if his secondary school runs an exchange programme this year.

His lawyer explained: ‘On paper he’s the fifth richest person in the UK but most that is just monopoly money. For much of the late 90s, his only income was a paper-round, which yielded a modest £1.2bn in loose change. Yes, Bernie’s a Nazi apologist and homophobe, with links to big tobacco, but he’s just a kid. It’s just a stage he’s going through.’

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